Yovani Gallardo 1, Pirates 0: Yeah, you get top billing when you shut the other team out for eight innings, strikeout 11 and hit a homer for the game’s only run.
Marlins 4, Mets 3: Despite the fact that Johan Santana has been repeatedly boned by his bullpen over the past couple of years, he still manages to keep his composure. Total pro. But no one can keep it locked in forever, and one day, 15 or 20 years from now, some writer is going to make an argument that Santana is not Hall of Fame worthy because his win totals weren’t good enough, and that’s when Johan will start killing folks.
Rockies 7, Padres 5: Todd Helton on Aaron Cook’s solid start: “That’s what you shoot for going into a series. That was a pretty big game for us today and Cookie set the tone,” Helton said. “Cookie?” Really? You’re going with “Cookie?” You’ve been his teammate for eight friggin’ seasons, and adding an “ie” sound to his surname is the best you can do? You spend eight months a year living in close quarters with a guy — playing, traveling, eating, showering, laughing, and crying with him, and you can’t come up with a nickname better than — Lord, give me strength — “Cookie?!” If Aaron Cook played in the 1930s, he’d have seventeen better nicknames than “Cookie” within five minutes of getting off the train at spring training, and those guys all had important things like families and dust bowls and offseason jobs and Hitler and everything to worry about. Todd Helton has been the defacto leader of the Colorado Rockies for 13 years and has $100 million in the damn bank. After hitting the ball and playing first base, his number one priority should be to give guys decent nicknames, and he comes up with “Cookie.” Some days I don’t even know why I bother with this sport anymore.
Angels 3, Orioles 2: Koji Uehara got beat, but he’s tough. Gary Matthews hit a line drive off his chest in the seventh. Uehara had to leave the game, but he had this to say afterwards: “No pain. I’m more upset about giving up that home run. I couldn’t breathe for a moment, but after that I was fine.” Just imagine what could have happened to him if a real hitter was at the plate when it happened. NOTE: I wrote this the night before learning of this awful story, and in light of it, I appreciate that this joke is now in pretty bad taste. I’m not going to delete it or anything because it’s been up for like nine hours now, and nothing online that long ever truly disappears, so why bother. I did want to acknowledge it, however, and make clear that I do appreciate that it’s dangerous out there, and maybe not the best source of jokes in the world.
Diamondbacks 10, Cubs 0: Doug Davis gave up two hits over seven innings. Despite the game already being out of hand, Lou Piniella throws the Cubs’ three putative top relievers out there in Marmol, Samardzija and Gregg. Teams these days have 12-man pitching staffs. What, the Cubs can’t find room for a mop-up man?
White Sox 6, Mariners 3: Ichiro takes his first walk of the season. It was intentional, but still. In other news, when can we stop pretending that he’s a big star?
Yankees 8, Tigers 6: Joba Chamberlain gives up one run over seven innings. Why, oh why does Joe Girardi and the Yankees brain trust continue to misuse him this way?! Given that the bullpen coughed up five runs in the ninth, Chamberlain should immediately be moved to the pen and Jonathan Albaladejo should go to the rotation!
Red Sox 6, Indians 5: Speaking of bullpens, the Indians’ sucks, as they help give away a game the Indians once led 5-0. Jonathan Van Every was the star for Boston, hitting the winning homer in the 10th and driving in another run. He also has a last name that sounds like a character from a 22 year-old’s first novel. You know, the one with the story set in Ennuisville, in the state of North Commonland, and in which the protagonist, Mr. Van Every, faces conflicts from his estranged father, Distant McCold and his boss, Ignoramus O. Pression. Amazingly, the Van Every character is a writer himself. What are the effin’ odds?
Cardinals 5, Braves 3: The Cardinals scored four runs in the fifth inning on six singles, five of which went up the middle. As Mac noted, that’s just bad freakin’ luck, and there’s not a lot more you can say about it.
Twins 8, Rays 3: It was over when: Scott Kazmir’s wild pitch allowed the fourth run of the first inning to score. Game ball goes to: Nick Blackburn, who gave up two runs on eight hits in seven innings. Stat of the game: 34; the number of pitches Kazmir had to throw in the first inning. In other news, I kind of miss college football season.
Nationals 4, Phillies 1: I’m not going to say that the Nats are desperate for bullpen help, but Julian Tavarez got the save. And it’s not like he got lucky by, say, warming up for mopup duty while his team rallied. Nope, it was by design and everything.
Reds 3, Astros 0: Edinson Volquez and Francisco Cordero one-hit Houston. Cecil Cooper had this to say about Volquez: “I didn’t think he was all that sharp. It looked like he had some life to his fastball. It looked like we had some pitches to hit, but we just didn’t swing it very well. You have to give him some credit, but I didn’t think he was like a one-hit performance tonight.” I can’t decide if that’s idiotic, inspired, an act of disrespect or an act of stealth motivation. I don’t feel bad, however, because I doubt Cooper knows either.
Royals 11, Blue Jays 3: SI JINX!! SI JINX!! OMFG! Greinke gave up teh first earned runs of the season and I’m all like WTF, SI JINX!! Oh wait, he was staked to ten runs in the first five innings and cruised? Well, then, I stand corrected.
Giants 9, Dodgers 4: Each year it feels like the Molinas come closer to their obvious goal of world domination. And it’s so subtle too. I mean, they’re not really in your face about it or anything, but their persistence is impressive. First they start showing up on every team. Then they start playing really well. Next thing you know the Molina spores will start shooting out of their chests, we’ll all be infected, and that will be that. For now, though, the Molina West had a homer, a two-run triple and an RBI single pacing the Giants’ 15 hit-attack.
Athletics vs. Rangers, postponed: Did you never call? I waited for your call. These rivers of suggestion are driving me away. The trees will bend, the cities wash away. The city on the river there is a girl without a dream.