Tigers 5, White Sox 4: After the game, Ozzie Guillen was mad at his poor-performing team and said this: “If this was the 1980s, [none] of these guys would be in the big leagues right now, because if you hit .210-.230 and you can’t execute, I don’t think you should be out here.” I was gonna be all clever and make fun of Ozzie Guillen the player, but he never hit below .245 in a full season as a starter. Not that he was good or anything — in fact, he was quite awful with the bat — but he framed the argument in terms of batting average, so I’ll let it slide. Other things that wouldn’t be here if it was the 80s: U.S. Cellular Field; Ozzie Guillen’s belly, and the grown up version of every player on the roster short of Jose Contreras, who I think was born during the Ramón Grau San Martin administration. The first term. Zing!
White Sox 6, Tigers 1: On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have made fun of Old Man Contreras (8 IP, 1 H, 0 ER). Young Gordon Beckham, on the other hand, is now 0-13 to start off his career.
Rockies 5, Cardinals 2: Jason Marquis wins his eighth, which leads the National League. This has to be either evidence that wins don’t mean a thing, or evidence that the talent gulf between the American and National Leagues is larger than ever, because I sure as hell ain’t gonna admit that Jason Marquis is any good. My out: maybe the Cardinals are just really bad. They certainly are lately, as they were swept 4-0 buy Colorado, and were outscored 33-9 in the process.
Marlins 4, Giants 0: Sean West dominates the Giants (8 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 6K). In contrast, Randy Johnson is now 0-1 for his career on short rest following the achievement of significant milestone games during which he fell on his ass while awkwardly fielding a dribbler to the mound. Seriously, you can look it up.
Yankees 5, Rays 3: Another hogshead of home runs in Yankee Stadium will no doubt have people again wondering about the place again. The Yankees will no doubt claim that the fences are the same distance from home plate as they were in the old Stadium. And if you don’t believe them, they’ll let you inspect the survey records, which have been on display down at Yankee headquarters for the past nine months. They can be found down in the cellar with the use of a flashlight, since the lights have gone. Be careful, though, because so have the stairs. Anyway, they’re in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying “Beware of the Leopard.” See for yourself.
Braves 7, Pirates 6: Yet another marathon ends with Bobby Cox’s 2000th win with the Braves. Listen to him boast about it after the game: “All it means is that you’re getting old and you’ve been around too long.” Stay sassy, Bobby! Nate McLouth had a nice game against his old mates. Whenever I see something like this so quickly after a trade I wonder if the player’s old team just hadn’t gotten around to changing the signs yet. Worth noting that Andrew McCutchen had a better game. Not that this will stop all of the Pirates fans from complaining about their team’s annual selloff.
Blue Jays 6, Rangers 3: Adam Lind jacks two dingers and has now matched his previous best for homers in a season with 11, set in 2007. He’s also about 100 points of OBP and 150 points of slugging ahead of where he was that year too.
Athletics 4, Twins 3: The A’s extend their winning streak to seven, which is their longest in three years. Scary moment for Aaron Cunningham, who was hit in the head in the fourth inning. He stayed in the game for a while, but was eventually taken to the hospital where he was diagnosed with a concussion.
Padres 6, Diamondbacks 3: Adrian Gonzalez is leading the majors in walks, and was given three more free passes last night. This time Kevin Kouzmanoff — who hits behind Gonzalez — made someone pay for it, driving in four runs.