And That Happened

Tigers 5, White Sox 4: After the game, Ozzie Guillen was mad at his poor-performing team and said this: “If this was the 1980s, [none] of these guys would be in the big leagues right now, because if you hit .210-.230 and you can’t execute, I don’t think you should be out here.” I was gonna be all clever and make fun of Ozzie Guillen the player, but he never hit below .245 in a full season as a starter. Not that he was good or anything — in fact, he was quite awful with the bat — but he framed the argument in terms of batting average, so I’ll let it slide. Other things that wouldn’t be here if it was the 80s: U.S. Cellular Field; Ozzie Guillen’s belly, and the grown up version of every player on the roster short of Jose Contreras, who I think was born during the Ramón Grau San Martin administration. The first term. Zing!

White Sox 6, Tigers 1: On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t have made fun of Old Man Contreras (8 IP, 1 H, 0 ER). Young Gordon Beckham, on the other hand, is now 0-13 to start off his career.

Rockies 5, Cardinals 2: Jason Marquis wins his eighth, which leads the National League. This has to be either evidence that wins don’t mean a thing, or evidence that the talent gulf between the American and National Leagues is larger than ever, because I sure as hell ain’t gonna admit that Jason Marquis is any good. My out: maybe the Cardinals are just really bad. They certainly are lately, as they were swept 4-0 buy Colorado, and were outscored 33-9 in the process.

Marlins 4, Giants 0: Sean West dominates the Giants (8 IP, 2 H, 0 ER, 6K). In contrast, Randy Johnson is now 0-1 for his career on short rest following the achievement of significant milestone games during which he fell on his ass while awkwardly fielding a dribbler to the mound. Seriously, you can look it up.

Yankees 5, Rays 3: Another hogshead of home runs in Yankee Stadium will no doubt have people again wondering about the place again. The Yankees will no doubt claim that the fences are the same distance from home plate as they were in the old Stadium. And if you don’t believe them, they’ll let you inspect the survey records, which have been on display down at Yankee headquarters for the past nine months. They can be found down in the cellar with the use of a flashlight, since the lights have gone. Be careful, though, because so have the stairs. Anyway, they’re in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying “Beware of the Leopard.” See for yourself.

Braves 7, Pirates 6: Yet another marathon ends with Bobby Cox’s 2000th win with the Braves. Listen to him boast about it after the game: “All it means is that you’re getting old and you’ve been around too long.” Stay sassy, Bobby! Nate McLouth had a nice game against his old mates. Whenever I see something like this so quickly after a trade I wonder if the player’s old team just hadn’t gotten around to changing the signs yet. Worth noting that Andrew McCutchen had a better game. Not that this will stop all of the Pirates fans from complaining about their team’s annual selloff.

Blue Jays 6, Rangers 3: Adam Lind jacks two dingers and has now matched his previous best for homers in a season with 11, set in 2007. He’s also about 100 points of OBP and 150 points of slugging ahead of where he was that year too.

Athletics 4, Twins 3: The A’s extend their winning streak to seven, which is their longest in three years. Scary moment for Aaron Cunningham, who was hit in the head in the fourth inning. He stayed in the game for a while, but was eventually taken to the hospital where he was diagnosed with a concussion.

Padres 6, Diamondbacks 3: Adrian Gonzalez is leading the majors in walks, and was given three more free passes last night. This time Kevin Kouzmanoff — who hits behind Gonzalez — made someone pay for it, driving in four runs.

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  1. RickyB said...

    Of course, Beckham has a long way to reach Robin Ventura’s career-opening 0-for-40 or 41 or whatever it was.

  2. Ahmet Hamdi Cavusoglu said...

    Damn, I’ve been beat to the referencing Douglas Adams … but how about Agrajag? What old, broken-down, misshapen, paranoid and revenge driven person would be a great fit … ah! How about Donald Fehr?

  3. Richard Dansky said...

    Oh frettled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me as….THE YANKEES WIN! THEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YANKEES WIN!

  4. Ben2009 said...

    It’s “torch,” not flashlight, Craig.  Geez, being a lawyer, I’d think you’d appreciate the dangers of misquoting.  wink

  5. Craig Calcaterra said...

    Ben—yeah, I debated that one, but I was drinking some of that Ol’ Janx Spirit as I was writing it, which impacted my judgment and made me decide to go broader.

  6. Sara K said...

    Of course the Cards really aren’t that good.  When guys like Ludwick, Schumacher, Ankiel, Ryan, Yadi, and assorted flotsam all produce at the same time, they can lead the league, but how often is that fluke going to occur in the season?  The 3-5 starters are increasingly ineffective, and their middle relief is a thrill ride.  I sometimes catch myself laughing at journalists who make too big a big deal out of “scrappy, unsung role-players,” but the success/failure of the Cardinals is precisely in how well the non-stars perform.  Pujols, Wainright and Carpenter cannot do it alone.

  7. lar said...

    “In contrast, Randy Johnson is now 0-1 for his career on short rest following the achievement of significant milestone games during which he fell on his ass while awkwardly fielding a dribbler to the mound. Seriously, you can look it up.”

    Tsk, tsk, Craig. I can see that you didn’t do your research before putting forth such a bold challenge.

    On April 11, 1996, only 4 days after winning his 100th career game, Randy Johnson fell flat on his butt while awkwardly fielding a ground to his right by Mark Lewis in the first inning. He even got the assist! You can look it up…

    (OK, I’m lying. It wasn’t on short rest, and I have no idea if he fell on his butt. Still, would’ve been fun if he had… Love the Hitchhiker’s reference, of course)

  8. Mikey said...

    On Marquis:  Depends on what you mean by “any good.” Career ERA+ of 96 entering the season—that’s pretty close to an average starting pitcher, right?  His career high (in a full year) was 115 with the Cardinals in 2004; he’s at 114 this year.

    He’s 8-4, and that’s actually reflective of his performance so far.  He’s had 8 quality starts, going 7+ in 7 of those games, with the 8th going 6.2, and 4 stinkers.  His QS% was at 48% entering the year, so I’d guess that will regress a bit. OTOH, he is going for a new contract…

  9. Craig Calcaterra said...

    Lar—you had me going for a minute. If he had been on short rest, though, you would have been elevated to the status of Tracer-God, and a parade would have been thrown in your honor.

  10. Kevin S. said...

    Actually, you should never allow an argument framed in terms of batting average to slide.

    <i>A-Rod’s only batting .248!  He’s a bum without the juice, get him out of here!<>

    And yes, I know A-Rod has nothing to do with the White Sox, but I’m sure that if he was on the team, Ozzie would have benched him eight times already for “not performing.”  As it is, he just does it with Jim Thome.

  11. dlf said...

    Yankees = Vogons?  Works for me.  Bud Selig has got to be Marvin.  I’m thinking that Ozzie Guillen is Zaphod Beeblebrox.  Loria and Sampson make excellent Golgafrincians.  But is Eccentrica Gallubits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six Scott Boras?

  12. Paul McC said...

    The Yankees, despite every chance not to do so, followed the Guide’s motto – Don’t Panic!

    Is Bobby Cox Slartibartfast – an ancient and wise man who is immensely proud of all his creations, “especially the crinkly bits round the edges” (a Tom Glavine reference?)?

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