Braves 4, Giants 2: “Ladies and gentlemen: the part of Tim Lincecum will be performed tonight by Jair Jurrjens.” (7.2 IP, 3 H, 1 ER, 9K).
A’s 16, Twins 1: The A’s scored so much so early that starter Trevor Cahill had to run down to the bullpen to warm up again while his teammates were up to bat. Or maybe the fact that they were actually scoring like this just blew his effing mind and he needed some alone time to get it together. This is like a fortnight’s worth of offense for this team. Yeah, forsooth I said fortnight.
Nationals 3, Mets 1: Bad: the Mets losing two of three to the Nats. Worse: rumor has it that, after the game, V.P. of player development Tony Bernazard drove a Cadillac into the hotel swimming pool, blew up a toilet with cherry bombs, and challenged the security staff to an “I quit” match, Tully Blanchard vs. Magnum T.A.-style. Bernazard is expected to be fired later this week, and replaced by either former Small Faces drummer Kenney Jones or by Lex Luger.
Dodgers 6, Reds 2: Pinch hit grand slam for Manny in the sixth to break a 2-2 tie! Wow! Oh, wait, I forgot: We’re not supposed to be enjoying this. Bad Manny. Bad, bad, bad. You have ruined baseball.
Yankees 6, Orioles 4: The Bombers are rolling. If you don’t believe it, just read the game stories which talk about how they’ve won six in a row, 16 of their last 19, 19 of their last 26, LVII of their last XCIV, etc. I’m sure there are other ways that could be expressed, but I don’t know how to do exponents and quadratic equations and all of that stuff.
Blue Jays 10, Indians 6: I’m glad I didn’t stick with that “Major League”-quote-until-a-three-game-winning-streak gag from a few weeks ago, because I’d be out of material and moving on to the Tony Danza version of “Angels in the Outfield” by now. And man, between the Indians putridity and the sense of foreboding surrounding the Jays at the deadline, this series is more depressing than watching “Requiem for a Dream” while listening to a Morrissey box set.
Rangers 3, Red Sox 1: Don’t worry, Red Sox Nation. Chris Duncan will be there in time for Friday’s game against the Orioles and make all the hurtin’ go away. And how is it that Buchholz was so dominating in Pawtucket but can’t avoid throwing 90 pitches in four innings in the bigs? Do they just offer up at any weak, nibbling crap down in the International League, or is he pitching scared?
Astros 4, Cardinals 3: If Chris Carpenter thinks he was betrayed by his bullpen, just wait until he has Julio Lugo playing behind him in five days.
Mariners 2, Tigers 1: Felix Hernandez bottles up the Tigers (7 IP, 6 H, 1 ER, 8K) and Russell Branyan hits a two-run homer in the eighth to take a close one. Also, as my CTB homey Matt Casey noted yesterday, David Aardsma is pretty Aawesome. On the year he has converted 23 of 25 saves, has an ERA of 1.79 and has struck out 55 in 45.1 IP.
Rockies 4, Diamondbacks 3: From the “fast facts” section of ESPN’s version of the game story: “Todd Helton’s 11th homer of the season and 500th double of his career carried the Rockies. Helton joined Stan Musial, Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth and Ted Williams as the only players with 500 doubles, 320 homers and a .325 batting average since 1900.” Talk about trying to make a good player seem better than he is via selective endpoints. I haven’t seen that much gerrymandering since Patrick Henry and the Anti-Federalists drew the boundaries of Virginia’s 5th Congressional district in such a way as to keep James Madison out of the House of Representatives in 1788!
White Sox 4, Rays 3: Chad Bradford had a line that you don’t see every day: 0 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 0K, 0 pitches. Unfortunately it was because he hurt himself after he was announced but before he completed throwing his warm-up pitches. An Alexi Ramirez triple followed by a Jermaine Dye RBI single in the seventh was the difference maker for the Sox.
Marlins 5, Padres 0: I think they scheduled this one as a matinee simply so I wouldn’t mail in the recap as I so often do with the late games. Probably should have kept it a night game, San Diego, because now that I have more time and alertness to comment on this tilt, I can truly focus on just how wretched a club you have become. Three hits. All singles. Ten strikeouts. Barf. Yet they were still in the game until the late innings. At least until the bullpen coughed up three more runs. Man, if only they had a moderately effective reliever to help out. Oops. Well, trades mean tradeoffs, right? Oops, the guy they got for Meredith didn’t even play. The Padres are 12-33 since the first of June, which is the worst in baseball. I repeat: for nearly half of the season, the Padres have been worse than the Nats and the Royals.
Cubs 10, Phillies 6: The Phillies Phinally lose. “Zambrano pitched well. He had good stuff,” Piniella said after the game. OK, Lou, whatever you say (6.2 IP, 10 H, 5 R, 3 BB). I guess if you win you had “good stuff” by definition?
Pirates 8, Brewers 7: Who the hell is Adam LaRoche? Garrett Jones: 3-4, HR; Andy LaRoche: 1-3, 2B, RBI. The fans are happy. His brother kept it together. They’ll all soldier on somehow.
Angels 9, Royals 6: Do you get full credit for a big rally when it comes against the Royals? I mean, first you have to fall behind this pathetic team, and that’s kind of embarrassing, and knocking around this bullpen to erase the deficit is easier than knocking around any other bullpen. I guess what I’m saying is that we need some kind of handicapping system here.