And That Happened

Phillies 5, Mets 4; Phillies 1, Mets 0: The Phillies win the second one behind eight shutout innings from Pedro Martinez. Next up: Tom Glavine comes out of retirement on Tuesday and throws a three hitter at the Mets, getting run support from Mo Vaughn, who hits for the cycle, while Vince Coleman coaches third base and Bobby Bonilla coaches first.

Red Sox 3, Rays 1; Red Sox 4, Rays 0: The Rays drop their 10th and 11th straight. This is the most unexpected losing streak since Eddie Murphy went on his 19-movie skid following “Coming to America.” If we try to match these up, the first game of the doubleheader was the equivalent of “Holy Man” and the second was “Life.” In the former, we’ll credit Matt Garza as Robert Loggia, for putting in a quality performance in what was otherwise a lost cause. In the latter, we’ll credit Willy Aybar as Martin Lawrence for his 0-4, 3K showing, which made a stink bomb even more unbearable. And for those of you playing at home, (a) I’m not counting Murphy’s voice roles or that weird Michael Jackson music video compilation; and (b) I’m counting his supporting role in “Dreamgirls” as the streak breaker. I think he was a bit overrated for that, but if I didn’t count it, we’d be up in the 30s.

Giants 7, Dodgers 2: It’s odd to say it, but this week’s series with Colorado is bigger than this past weekend’s series against the Dodgers. The Giants salvage one to pull within four and a half of the Rockies for the Wild Card.

Padres 7, Rockies 3: After all three of them dropped two of three to San Diego in consecutive series, as far as the Dodgers, Rockies and Giants are concerned, the Padres are just a fly in the ointment. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass, Hans. Yippee-ki-yay.

Angels 3, White Sox 2: Torii Hunter hit a tie breaking homer off of Buehrle in the seventh. Hunter said that as the pitch came in, he was looking changeup because that’s what Buehrle threw him in the same situation earlier in the game, but that for some reason his hands reacted to the cutter that he actually received. “My mind said something else, but my hands said, ‘No,'” Hunter said. Hunter’s alien hand syndrome bears watching going forward. Will it turn horrific like it did for Michael Caine in “The Hand,” or it will it merely be funny like it was for Peter Sellers in “Dr. Strangelove?” In other news, my Dad told me that spending every single weekend between 1988 and 1991 renting awful, awful horror movies like “The Hand” was a colossal waste of time. It may have taken 20 years, but it’s starting to pay off, baby. Next up: I try to find some way to slip in a reference to “April Fool’s Day.”

Twins 8, Athletics 0: Brian Duensing wins the battle of rookie lefthanders over Gio Gonzalez. “Gio just didn’t have command of his pitches today,” A’s manager Bob Geren said. “It seems when he missed he walked guys, and then he’d come in and it would hit the fat part of the plate.” With the exception of a brief stretch in early August this could describe any Gio Gonzalez start this year.

Braves 9, Cardinals 2: Please explain to me how you get your lunch handed to you by the Reds a week ago and then turn around and sweep the Cardinals in their own ballpark? The Braves hung seven on Chris Carpenter. I’d like to think that this was a gift on their part to former Braves’ farmhand Adam Wainwright in his effort to win the Cy Young Award.

Yankees 13, Orioles 3: CC Sabathia didn’t have his best stuff, but with his teammates scoring 13 runs on 20 hits, he could have had Gio Gonzalez’s stuff and still notched the win. The Yankees’ favorite umpire — Marty “he didn’t have to tag you since the ball beat you” Foster — ran A-Rod with seemingly no warning and then ran Girardi after he bolted out of the dugout to argue the A-Rod ejection. Johnny Damon almost threw a ball into the stands with two outs because he thought there were three, and his brain lock allowed a run to score. But again, you score 13 on 20, and none of that garbage really matters.

Pirates 2, Astros 1: Matt Capps got mad because he thought Miguel Tejada and Astros’ first base coach Jose Cruz were stealing signs. Apparently Capps hasn’t read Tejada’s press clippings. He gives signs, he doesn’t steal them. Tejada, who popped out to end the at bat, said “I just made an out. That is the first time I have ever seen a guy mad, yelling at a guy for getting out.” I guess Tejada didn’t see Game 2 of the 2000 World Series.

Royals 7, Indians 0: The Indians have lost 10 of their last 13, and have looked really, really bad in most of those games. Carlos Carrasco gave up five runs on eight hits in six innings, but to read the quotes from Eric Wedge in this game story, you’d think he pitched a three hit shutout. I can only assume that Wedge is visiting some self-help/life affirmation guru who has counseled him to say five nice things a day in order to maintain a “penumbra of positivity” or to keep his Lifeline oriented more towards “love” instead of “fear” or some such nonsense.

Tigers 7, Blue Jays 2: Rick Porcello: twenty year-old stopper. Deep thought: when the Tigers clinch the division, will Porcello be cited for underage drinking if he partakes in the champagne shower? Will anyone in Tigers’ management be arrested for contributing to the delinquency of a minor?

Brewers 5, Diamondbacks 3: Prince Fielder ties Cecil Cooper’s single season team RBI record at 126 and the Brewers sweep the series. Tom Haudricourt of the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel is one of my favorite beat writers, and one of the reasons is that he live blogs every game. There’s always something interesting in there too. Little stuff that never makes the game story and which doesn’t matter in the grand scheme, but that you’d like to know anyway. Yesterday he had this from the Brewers’ half of the seventh inning: “Braun fouls out to left. The ball was only a foot or so foul and Braun didn’t run. Interesting.”

Cubs 5, Reds 2: With this loss the Reds were officially eliminated from the NL Central race so, you know, I suppose they can stop trying now. Nice gesture: the Dayton Daily News’ Hal McCoy — another excellent beat guy — is being forced into retirement after the season after 37 years covering the Reds. In his honor, the Cubs gave him a scoreboard panel with a “37” on it after the game. They would have given it to him on Friday, but since the Reds and their pitching staff were in town, they wanted to hold back the 37 just in case they needed it.

Rangers 7, Mariners 2; Mariners 5, Rangers 0: Not going anywhere for a while? These guys were already playing a doubleheader because of Friday’s rain out, and then the first one was delayed four and a half damn hours. Tommy Hunter threw a six hit complete game in the first which is totally what you want to see in a twin bill. Didn’t carry over, though, as Texas had no answers to Felix Hernandez (7 IP, 4 H, 0 ER). Ichiro’s hit in the nightcap was his 200th. He does that an awful lot.

Nationals 7, Marlins 2: Another rainy game, this one was called in the bottom of the ninth following a second lengthy delay. Of course, if this game was worth a pair of fetid dingo’s kidneys to the playoff races they probably would have waited it out. Cody Ross: “Tough series for us. Definitely not what we wanted. When you’re losing the whole time it just makes it miserable. The steady rain just compounds that terrible feeling you have inside.” Cody, it’s OK. Have a good cry and then give Eric Wedge a call. You’ll be smiling in no time.

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  1. ecp said...

    I endured the ESPN gang to watch Pedro last night and, while I was shocked that he went 130, I have to say that he looked darn good all the way to the end.  And of course, given the state of the Phillies bullpen these days, I can’t imagine Cholly was too eager to take him out anyway.

  2. MooseinOhio said...

    Why do I get the sense that Eric Wedge is walking around like Chance the Gardener saying the team is dead and he must leave the clubhouse.

  3. Dan Whitney said...

    I took my daughter to her first ballgame yesterday, San Diego’s win over the Rockies. She’s three and a half and she loved it. She got a foul ball (off Yorvit Torrealba in the second), saw Will Venable hit an opposite-field homer, and the Padres won. Best yet, she lasted til the final out, which my dad can’t even do.

  4. Jason B said...

    BHCIII superior to the original…really??

    Craig – three years worth of bad horror movies was NOT wasted time, don’t let PapaShyster tell you any different.  Do you remember the one where some troublemaking kids were trapped in the mall after it closed but some menacing security guard killer robots?  Gah. Good stuff.  Good, good stuff.

  5. smsetnor said...

    That’s all good and whatnot about Ichiro, but what about Jeter breaking the YANKEES hit record.  You haven’t given him enough credit.

  6. Mark said...

    If you look at Eddie Murphy’s upcoming titles on IMDB, there’s something there called “Untitled Brett Ratner Project,” which I’m sure we can all agree means his streak will continue.

    Though yeah: Bowfinger was pretty good.

  7. Jick said...

    Great post, as always.

    I don’t think I’ve seen any of the movies you mentioned today, and for once I’m grateful. (The Hand?)

    Unless, of course, the Hal McCoy’s “37” was a Clerks reference, in which case I really didn’t want to know.

  8. Vorp Opiescu said...

    Fred did not give a fetid dingo kidney that this page only has one reference to where the phrase came from.

    So you created a new phrase and its reference page too, Craig?  That is tremendous.  I nominate you for Sneaky Internet Demigod.


  9. Jick said...

    Chris H.: Oops, of course I’ve seen Dr. Strangelove, and try to watch it every July 4. I must have been too relieved to have not seen the others in that paragraph to have remembered it being mentioned.

  10. Yair said...

    According to the official box score, Pedro threw 130 (!) pitches in his 8 shutout innings against the Mets. 130. Pedro.

    As the score does not mention his arm falling off at the end, I’d ask for an explanation as to how this was (a) allowed to happen by Phillies management and (b) how it was physically possible, but then realized this was against the Mets, against whom all things are possible this year.

    At this point, the baseballs gods are probably laughing it up trying to one-up each other with each unlikely humiliating losing scenario.

  11. Simon DelMonte said...

    This might be the blandest September ever.  There is almost nothing left to decide and we still have three weeks to go.

  12. TC said...

    Craig, I’m going to have to disagree wildly regarding Eddie Murphy.  Life and Bowfinger were decent, if unexceptional movies.  But Beverly Hills Cop III is, I’d argue, easily the best in the series, and in the same territory as Coming to America and Trading Places.

  13. Craig Calcaterra said...

    Ahmet—My bad, I meant to type 37, as in the number of years he’d been at the Dayton paper. My finger must’ve slipped.

    Yair: my guess is that no one is too worried about Pedro’s workload, because his future is probably measured in starts as opposed to years. You get whatever the hell you can get from him anymore, and if the guy says he still has something, hey, let him stay out there.

    TC: have to disagree with BHC III. Truly bad in my view.  Nowhere near the original. I’d be eager to hear your reasons for liking it so much, however.

    I thought Life was a good premise executed poorly. I could be convinced that Bowfinger was good. I may just be too hard on Murphy, what with him being the biggest thing on the planet when I was a kid and then turning into, well, whatever it is he is now.

  14. Wade said...

    Fetid dingo’s kidneys?
    There’s always a shiny nugget in ATH, but that, sir, is either a very deep reference to a very rare narrative or one of the most randomly put-together set of words ever…unless you have aboriginal ancestry, of course.
    Well played.

  15. Greg Simons said...

    The first wonderfully awful horror movie I thought of when I read your Alien Hand Syndrome reference was the Sam Raimi-Bruce Campbell classic “Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn.”  Groovy!

  16. Chris H. said...

    @Jick: surely in the list of moves you have not seen you do not include “Doctor Strangelove,” do you?  Because unlike many/most of the flix mentioned, Strangelove is a big bundle of awesomeness.

    ObBaseball: As a Cub fan, I have a lot of time to watch movies now.

  17. Greg Simons said...

    Hey, if you go to Julian’s link and look three entries below “dingo kidneys,” there’s an entry for “doorknob” from The Dragonlance Chronicles.

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