If you give Roger Clemens a steroid

In 1985, Laura Joffe Numeroff wrote a wonderful children’s book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. The simple act of giving a mouse a cookie took a young boy on many adventures, which have entertained millions of children. Had she known about Roger Clemens in 1985, her now classic tale might have gone like […]

Ms. Satire finds the SI vault

Bank vaults hold cash. Fort Knox’s vault holds gold. Film vaults hold old reels of “The Pride of the Yankees.” Burial vaults presumably hold deceased Yankees. For years now, Chris Armstrong has been wondering what, exactly, is kept in the Sports Illustrated vault. “I totally want to go down to the office and tour the […]

Cardinals and Reds offer tips on fighting like a man

The Cardinals and Reds have given their best efforts over the last two nights to ensure everyone understands the NL Central division is no longer a men’s rec softball league. They wanted to establish themselves as a fight club instead. So, they are now giving tips on how to fight like a man. 1. Trash […]

Interview: Jack Clark, clutch hitter for life

It was the Little League World Series and his team had just lost the game. Instead of leaving the field with pride, because he was the only kid on his team to get a hit, he walked off uncertain of what he was capable of accomplishing. He had every right to be confident and cocky; […]

The deadline deals that died

Died: The Texas Rangers drafting a mission statement about the value of good spending habits. Major league baseball is filled with shining moments and valuable lessons. Some, we should pass onto our children. This is not one of them. People have talked about how major league baseball has allowed a team (ehm, mess) in bankruptcy […]

The real Zambrano story

How it might have been…. After watching the unedited recording from ESPN’s interview with Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano, his anger management doctor has quit. Oh, apparently Chicago’s manager, Lou Piniella, is upset as well. The uncut version of ESPN’s interview was found under the Sports Center desk while the night shift was cleaning in the […]

Simply stated: evaluating fancy fielding importance

Fancy parties are nice. The ones where a polite serving staff brings you cute little samples of food sculpted into unrecognizable shapes on a fancy silver tray. Fancy shoes are also delightful. Like stiletto heels from Prada with feathers on them. Fancy baseball statistics are agreeable as well. You get to see pretty colors in […]

L.A. judge uses spam blocker on McCourts

SATIRE—Los Angeles Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon has instituted a popular spSpam blocker to help solve issues relating to the payments and settlement of the McCourts’ divorce. The judge declared that using the spam blocker was the quickest and best way to get only rational comments from Frank and Jamie. He stated that typical spam […]