Banana Fana Fo Fudcat

WHEREAS, it has come to our attention that the multitudinous tabulation of names — family, given, and “nick” — comprising the history of major league baseball, could be rendered more accessible and useful were it to be segmented into a logical and explanatory sequence of categories, LET US THEN RESOLVE to commence the laborious task of performing said categorization.

What is presented herefore is an initial, exploratory effort, by no means intended to be construed as complete, comprehensive, or consummated, at creating THE DEPARTMENTALIZED CATALOGUE OF BASEBALL NAMES:

The Department of Just Plain Funny

Emil “Hillbilly” Bildilli
Frank Funk
Fabian Kowalik
Eli Grba
DeWitt “Bevo” LeBourveau
Terrmel Sledge
Lu Blue
Doug “Eye Chart” Gwosdz
Ivey Wingo
Orval Overall
Jerry Upp
Estel Crabtree
Creepy Crespi
Sibby Sisti
Van Lingle Mungo
Emil Yde
Epp Sell
Biff Pocoroba
Sig Jakucki
Gomer Hodge

The Department of Just Plain Weird

Urban Shocker
El Tappe
Bibb Falk
Ugueth Urbina
Scipio Spinks
Vida Blue
Rikkert Faneyte
Zoilo Versalles
Yorvit Torrealba

The Department of Just Plain Weird, Beginning with “I” Division

Garth Iorg
Happy Iott
Ham Iburg
Doc Imlay
Bert Inks
Hansel Izquierdo

The Department of Say This Fast Ten Times

Gary Gray

The Department of Change

Harry to Eric Rasmussen
Joey to Albert Belle
Richie to Dick Allen
Jose Gonzalez to Jose Uribe (referred to by Giants’ broadcaster Hank Greenwald as “the player to be named later”)
Ernest Dudley Lee (who also played as Ernest Dudley, and also played as Dud Dudley, and also, of course, played as Dud Lee)

The Department of Can You Identify This Player?

John Paveskovich
Fiore Tennaci
Aloys Szymanski
Francesco Pezzolo
Casimir Kwietniewski

The Department of Can You Identify This Player, Given First and Middle Names Only, Because With the Last Name Included It’s a Cinch Division

Ludwig Heinrich ——
Giuseppe Paolo ——–

The Department of Coincidence

Lee Maye and Lee May
Dutch Leonard and Dutch Leonard
Mike Marshall and Mike Marshall
Steve Ontiveros and Steve Ontiveros
Don Leppert and Don Leppert
Bob Sadowski and Bob Sadowski

The Department of Coincidence, Left-Handed Hitting Second Basemen Division

Joe Morgan and Joe Morgan

The Department of Coincidence, Right-Handed Hitting Slugging First Basemen Division

Frank Thomas and Frank Thomas

The Department of Coincidence, Right-Handed Hitting Catchers in the Late 1950s and Early 1960s Division

Hal Smith and Hal Smith

The Department of Coincidence, Right-Handed Pitchers Whose Careers Ended in 1995 Division

Greg Harris and Greg Harris

The Department of Coincidence, Pitchers Who Were With the Mets in 1962 Division

Bob Miller and Bob Miller

The Department of Coincidence, Pitchers Who Were With the Mets in 2000 and the Padres in 2002 Division

Bobby Jones and Bobby Jones

The Department of Coincidence, Guys Who Played in the 1950s/1960s and Who Really, Really Couldn’t Hit Division

Dick Smith, Dick Smith, and Dick Smith

The Department of We Got It the First Time

Dusty Rhodes
Dusty Rhodes
Dusty Rhodes

The Department of Redundancy Department

Donn Clendenon
Dann Bilardello
Robb Nen
Gregg Zaun
Torii Hunter
Larry Biittner
Tim Harikkala
Kevin Mmahat

The Department of The Guest Register at the No-Tell Motel

Bob Johnson
Charlie Smith
Charlie Smith
Bob Johnson
Charley Smith
Mack Jones
Bob Johnson
Bob Johnson

The Department of What Do You Get When You Neglect to Clean Out the Vegetable Drawer in the Fridge?

Harry Colliflower

The Department of Anatomy

Ralph Head
Ed Head
Elroy Face
Bill Hands
Rollie Fingers
Greg Legg
Barry Foote

The Department of Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter!

Boob Fowler
Jack Glasscock
Pedro Feliz
Rusty Peters
Rusty Kuntz
Dick Wantz
Dick Joyce
Dick Pole
Dick Hoover
Dick Braggins
Johnny Dickshot

The Department of What Choice of Profession Did He Really Have?

Fielder Jones
Cecil Fielder
Charlie Spikes
Matt Batts
Neal Ball
Darcy Fast
Horace Speed
Vic Power

The Department of How to Identify Rolling Stones

Les Moss

The Department of Still Needs More Cowbell

Les Bell

The Department of What Should We Do Before We Roll?

Les Rock

The Department of Make Mine a Double

Jack “Sour Mash” Daniels

The Deparment of I Guess His Parents Had a Sense of Humor

Milton Bradley

The Deparment of I Guess His Parents Were a Bit Peculiar

Alan Mitchell Edward George Patrick Henry Gallagher

The Department of It’s Obvious His Parents Were a Bit Peculiar

Wonderful Terrific Monds

The Department of His Parents Were a Bit Confused

Barbra Chrisley
John Patsy Francona

The Department of Pam Grier is a Lot Better-Looking

Jackie Brown

The Department of The Navy

Showboat Fisher
Riverboat Smith
Admiral Schlei

The Department of The Army

Major Kerby Farrell
Colonel Snover
General Crowder
General Stafford

The Department of Just Too Colorful

Pickles Dillhoefer
Razor Shines
Orville “Coot” Veal
Piano Legs Hickman
La Schelle Tarver
Mordecai “Three Finger” Brown
Bombo Rivera
Maggie Magoon
Gordon Goldsberry
Topsy Hartsel
Muddy Ruel
Hensley “Bam Bam” Meulens
Dominic “Dim Dom” Dallessandro
Homer Smoot
Noble Winfield “Win” Ballou
Larvell “Sugar Bear” Blanks
Laynce Nix
Buster Bray
Heinie Meine
Mose “The Rabbi of Swat” Solomon
Coco Crisp
Oil Can Boyd
Putsy Caballero
Chip Hale
Johnny “Hippity” Hopp
Chi-Chi Olivo
Bump Wills
Chippy Gaw
Pompeyo “Yo-Yo” Davalillo
Angel Bravo
Champ Summers
Vito Valentinetti
Choo Choo Coleman

The Department of Zoology

Chicken Hawks
Chicken Wolf
Red Bird

The Department of Zoology, Whirlpools in Streams Division

Dizzy Trout

The Department of Just What the Hell Does That Mean Anyway?

Mudcat Grant

The Department of Tut, Tut, Jeeves

Jennings Poindexter
Chase Utley
Brook Fordyce
Percival Edmund Wentworth Ford
Morgan Ensberg
Brock Pemberton

The Department of You’ve Got to be Kidding Me

Guy Sturdy

The Department of Now You’ve Really Got to be Kidding Me

Tony Suck

The Department of Elizabethan Tragedy

King Lear

The Department of Hero Worship

Charles Dickens Bold
Thomas Jefferson Davis Bridges
Abraham Lincoln Wolstenholme
Abraham Lincoln Wade
Abraham Lincoln Bailey
Ulysses Simpson Grant McGlynn
Ulysses Simpson Grant Stoner
Grover Cleveland Alexander
Grover Cleveland Lowdermilk
Grover Cleveland Baichley
Grover Cleveland Land
William Jennings Bryan Herman
William Jennings Bryan Harriss
William Jennings Bryan Patterson
Woodrow Wilson Davis
Woodrow Wilson Williams
Calvin Coolidge Ermer
Theodore Roosevelt Lilly
Franklin Delano Roosevelt Wieand
Thomas Edison Alston
Willie Mays Aikens
Larry Doby Johnson
Ryne Dee Sandberg
Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish

The Department of Full Employment of Character Spaces

Aurelio Monteagudo
Arnie Portocarrero
Justin Duchscherer
Bob Giallombardo
Billy Grabarkewitz
Mark Grudzielanek
Cornelius McGillicuddy
Ken Raffensberger
Bill Wambsganss
Red Schoendienst
Jerry Schoonmaker
Paul Thormodsgard
Wilhelmus Remmerswaal
Ossee Schreckengost
Rafael Santo Domingo
William Van Landingham
Christian Frederick Wilhelm Von der Ahe

The Department of Conservation of Character Spaces

V T Tatum
J W Porter
R C Stevens
J C Hartman
U L Washington

The Department of Honoring the Family Heritage is All Well and Good, But I’d Still Change It

Clyde Kluttz
Mickey Klutts
Gene Krapp
Harry Chiti

The Department of Forget That He’s a Hall of Famer, Isn’t That a Funky Name?

Napoleon Lajoie
Early Wynn
Harmon Killebrew
Yogi Berra
Zack Wheat
Gaylord Perry
Hazen “Kiki” Cuyler
Eppa Rixey
Tris Speaker

The Department of Abstract Expressionism

Bill James
Bill James

The Department of Just a Really Cool Name

Jose Tartabull
Dain Clay
Wally Pipp
Candy Maldonado
Carson Bigbee
Garland Buckeye
Winston Llenas
Duke Carmel
Buzz Capra
Jarvis Tatum
Malachi Kittridge

References & Resources
The George Washington X’s, Thomas Jefferson X’s, Benjamin Franlin X’s, and even James Madison and John Adams X’s are just too numerous to list. One must conclude that being named after a Founding Father was just not all that unusual a deal for a long time in our great Republic.

Also there are too many Andrew Jackson X’s to have lised them all here. He was obviously rather popular too.

With acknowledgement to the wonderful writer Darryl Brock, who presented an eerily similarly-themed fun piece in the Sunday, May 8th Sporting Green of the San Francisco Chronicle. Honest, Darryl, I didn’t steal your idea! You think I could have looked all these guys up in one week’s time?

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