I am happy that I am not single. I am happy that I do not live in Milwaukee. I am especially happy that I am not a single man living in Milwaukee:
Gentlemen, do you have the right stuff to be a hip Milwaukee bachelor?
Face it: Milwaukeeans are a different breed. Your stuff should reflect that. And being a Milwaukeean, bachelor or not, means you wear your cheesehead pride like a badge (or a yellow triangular foam hat). If you’re unattached, there’s no better way of showing love for our area than by celebrating the great ways we spend our free time with your wardrobe and home furnishings. This week, I’m suggesting six items every single guy should have if he wants to be a first-class Brew City bachelor. Beginning today, a new item will be posted at noon each day through next Wednesday (except Monday) until the list is completed. Here’s the first one . . .
. . . No. 1: Milwaukee Braves memorabilia. What to get: Something vintage. A game-worn jersey might be costly, but baseball cards and promotional material, like ads or pocket schedules, are less pricey. If you can’t find something authentic, retro-styled pennants and hats are abundant. Avoid Hank Aaron items. Too cliché. Go for something from other key players, like Eddie Mathews, Lew Burdette, Bob Buhl or Billy Bruton. Just be prepared to explain who the player was.
I would wager several thousand dollars that the same tools who seek out a Bob Buhl jersey in order to pick up women in Milwaukee in 2009 are the same tools who sought out Atari t-shirts in order to pick up women in college in 1995. Neither gambit, I suspect, paid off in the form of an actual date.