After stirring the pot over at NBC with the Chief Wahoo stuff this morning, I exchanged a few emails with regular commenter Sara K. The abridged gist:
Sara: You know, eventually, you will have to answer for the Tomahawk Chop.
Me: I have no defense for the Chop. It’s beyond retarded. (Note: see this after reading this post) Makes me cringe. I can’t analyze my Braves’ fandom too closely though because I don’t think anything is holding it together beyond inertia, and I’m too old to pick a new rooting interest.
Sara: Redbird Nation will welcome you with open arms, and when Jose Oquendo is named manager of the Cardinals, you won’t be able to resist.
To be clear, I have no intention of abandoning the Braves. We’re like an old married couple. We’ve been together too long to change now, even if it isn’t always pleasant. The Braves have learned to tolerate my snoring, and I have learned to tolerate their gas. Familiarity and routine are not the most inspiring reasons to stay together, but they are somewhat underrated and can be enough to carry the day long after the flame has died out. We bicker. We’re passive-aggressive. We aren’t always nice to one another. But at this point it would take an infidelity-level event to split us in two. The closest thing to that I can think of is hiring Dusty Baker or something, and unless I’ve fundamentally misjudged my significant other, that’s just not going to happen.
But like anyone in a blah marriage, my eye wanders from time to time. I imagine what my life would be like if I was — dare I say it? — unfaithful. What would attract me? With whom could I make it work? No harm in looking, right? It’s not cheating just to look . . .
Yankees: Never. Not even on a drunken fling.
Red Sox: For all of the Boston-New York drama, they both look the same to the rest of the country, and honey, you’re not as hot as you think you are.
Orioles: They have more going for them than you might think. History. A nice ballpark. Enough years in the wilderness to where any residual cockiness has long been beaten out of them. If Peter Angelos were out of the picture, I could see myself swooping in.
Blue Jays: Sorry, when I used to tell the other kids that I had a girlfriend from Canada, I always placed her in Montreal. Just sounded more exotic. And I like things natural — no fake grass.
Rays: I’d feel like I was robbing the cradle. I couldn’t go for anyone without some history and experience, ya know? That rules out all of the 1993-present expansion teams.
Tigers: Ah, the old flame. Sure, it’s been a long time since we were together — and God, were we young! — but there are so many reasons why it could work again. Still, I’m hesitant to stir up old emotions. I can’t escape the fact that I abandoned them once, and I can’t help but think we’d spend all of our time together waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think it would work, but we’d have to promise to never bring up the past.
White Sox: History. A great city. I could see us having fun together.
Twins: The Twins are a home wrecker of a franchise (see, 1987 ALCS; 1991 WS) and I’ll have nothing to do with them.
Indians: Inconceivable unless they drop that . . .MAN . . .they insist on hanging around.
Royals: Another possibility — nice park, great history, very underrated city and some likeable players. But there’s a lot of High profile competition for their affections, and I don’t feel like having to prove myself all the time, so I’m leaning no.
Rangers: They’ve always been a mess. They have a serious drug history and some questionable associations. It’s only recently that they seem to be getting themselves together. I’d want them to prove to me that they can be healthy and stable for a long time before I’d be willing to commit.
Angels, A’s, Mariners: I could see it happening with any of these three, but our schedules are so different that I don’t know when we’d be able to make time to see one another.
Mets, Phillies, Marlins: There’s too much negative history here for any of these three to be serious contenders. Besides, they’re far too close to home. If it was a mere fling, there’s a good chance we’d get caught. Even if I went with one of them following a breakup, seeing the ex 18 times a year would make things far too awkward. Pass.
Nationals: some of the previous item’s concerns apply, but they’ve always been less objectionable then the others, even back when they were using their maiden name. But when I look in the mirror, I know I can do better, and shacking up with these losers would be a serious blow to my self-esteem in the long run.
Cubs: Another attractive contender in terms of history, location and all of the rest. Plus, hooking up with a team with a national superstation would be a nice symbolic F.U. to the Braves in that their superstation is what caused them to catch my eye in the first place. “You used to treat me right,” I’d be saying to them. “I didn’t leave you; you left me.”
Cardinals: Also high on the list. They’re easy to resist now because I really hate their old man, but if he was out of the picture, there’s no telling what we’d do. Wait, this is starting to sound like a film noir: “Tony, the reason I got the extra life insurance for you is so that I’d be protected. You WANT me to be protected, don’t you? Now hurry up and sign the papers. We have a train to catch . . . .”
Brewers, Reds, Pirates: All are just about equal in terms of attractiveness, but for different reasons. The Pirates may look bad on the surface, but they’re nearby and they have a nice pad, and I know they’d give me their undivided attention. The Brewers really know how to party, so I’m sure I’d have a great time with them. People have been trying to fix me up with the Reds for years. I have my reservations, but sometimes when you hang around someone for so long they just start to grow on you and things just sort of happen, ya know?
Astros: I liked them much more back in their wild youth. Now that they’re all corporate and boring I have no attraction to them whatsoever.
Diamondbacks, Rockies: See the Rays’ comment.
Dodgers, Giants: I’m almost ashamed to admit that I’ve had their number in my speed dial for a long time. We’ve hung out. We’ve done things together. But I swear, NOTHING HAPPENED. I’m not saying that nothing could EVER happen, though . . .
UPDATE: I forgot the Padres! I guess that tells you just how high they rate with me.
Again, let me be clear: I’m happily married, and no matter how bad things get, we’re determined to make things work because we truly love each other. All I’m saying is that if — IF — something crazy were to ever happen, don’t be surprised if I found myself drunk dialing the Tigers, Cardinals, Cubs, Giants, or Dodgers.
And don’t you DARE judge me.