Now, the Phillies have just won, 4-3, when Lionel notices a 6’8″ guy in a suit begin to walk down the aisle. Lionel figures the guy’s important, so he slinks in behind him, through a gate and toward the Tampa dugout. Who’s in there but Bud Selig, some suits and the World Series trophy, all of which are on the field a minute later for the presentation of hardware to Phillies boss David Montgomery. Which is weird, because the way Lionel is strutting around, you’d think he were the boss . . .
. . . And that’s about when Chase Utley says to Jimmy Rollins: “Let’s go celebrate!” And Lionel says exactly what you’d think he’d say, which is, “I’m with you guys!” So now Lionel is in the madhouse clubhouse, where he sees tubs of champagne and beer. Naturally, he chugs a beer. He has become a human Bud Light commercial . . . Now Lionel starts going lotto-champagne crazy, squirting multimillionaire athletes up the nose, in the eyes and down the shorts. He pours an entire bottle over the head of slugger Ryan Howard. Matt Stairs gives him a head butt. He kisses pitcher Jamie Moyer on the cheek and yells, “Thank you for everything!” And Moyer yells, “No, thank you!”
Despite the insane level of security we’ve purported to establish in this country since 9/11, I have always found it incredibly easy to get into places like government buildings and the like with ease. Why? Because I’m a bald guy who wears glasses and, quite often, a suit and tie. I look like I belong or, at the very least, I don’t look threatening, and as a result people tend not to give me a second look or even insist on normal protocols being followed when I try to get in someplace. Sneaking, plans and schemes never work. Just walk confidently, use people’s distaste for confrontation and their assumptions about race, gender, and perceived socioeconomic status against them, and it’s smooth sailing. This Lionel fellow has that figured out.
In any event, a fellow by the name of Earnell Lucas is Major League Baseball’s Senior Director of Security & Facility Management and is responsible for establishing and directing all of MLB’s security policies, procedures and programs. He probably will be called into a meeting of some type tomorrow morning.