Just act like you belong

Rick Reilly makes trespassing sound so glamorous:

Now, the Phillies have just won, 4-3, when Lionel notices a 6’8″ guy in a suit begin to walk down the aisle. Lionel figures the guy’s important, so he slinks in behind him, through a gate and toward the Tampa dugout. Who’s in there but Bud Selig, some suits and the World Series trophy, all of which are on the field a minute later for the presentation of hardware to Phillies boss David Montgomery. Which is weird, because the way Lionel is strutting around, you’d think he were the boss . . .

. . . And that’s about when Chase Utley says to Jimmy Rollins: “Let’s go celebrate!” And Lionel says exactly what you’d think he’d say, which is, “I’m with you guys!” So now Lionel is in the madhouse clubhouse, where he sees tubs of champagne and beer. Naturally, he chugs a beer. He has become a human Bud Light commercial . . . Now Lionel starts going lotto-champagne crazy, squirting multimillionaire athletes up the nose, in the eyes and down the shorts. He pours an entire bottle over the head of slugger Ryan Howard. Matt Stairs gives him a head butt. He kisses pitcher Jamie Moyer on the cheek and yells, “Thank you for everything!” And Moyer yells, “No, thank you!”

Despite the insane level of security we’ve purported to establish in this country since 9/11, I have always found it incredibly easy to get into places like government buildings and the like with ease. Why? Because I’m a bald guy who wears glasses and, quite often, a suit and tie. I look like I belong or, at the very least, I don’t look threatening, and as a result people tend not to give me a second look or even insist on normal protocols being followed when I try to get in someplace. Sneaking, plans and schemes never work. Just walk confidently, use people’s distaste for confrontation and their assumptions about race, gender, and perceived socioeconomic status against them, and it’s smooth sailing. This Lionel fellow has that figured out.

In any event, a fellow by the name of Earnell Lucas is Major League Baseball’s Senior Director of Security & Facility Management and is responsible for establishing and directing all of MLB’s security policies, procedures and programs. He probably will be called into a meeting of some type tomorrow morning.

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  1. Zach Sanders said...

    That’s close to what I thought after reading this story.

    Teams are so fickle about security at the entry gates before every game, yet they don’t even take the time to make sure that every player in the clubhouse is actually, well, a player.

  2. D Wrek said...

    Mr Common Man,
    You’re right, I wouldnt have the “stones”.  Not my point.  Point was Im tired of having to ask people to get out of my seats multiple times throughout the season.  Its an annoyance that I shouldnt have to deal with EVER when I go to the park. 
    And Im tired of all the extra security/cops these bone heads cause.  Theres no way you can dispute this annoyance either.

    - Crumudgeon

  3. D Wrek said...

    Not to go all “holier than tough” on everyone, but these people annoy me.  Hes a leach.  Buy a ticket and sit in your seat like everyone else.  All these people are going to do is add more silly regulations and cops at the ball park.  Too bad for us, not him.  I wonder if hes even able to enjoy the game or if hes too busy worrying if he can get 1 seat closer.  Get a real job.

  4. The Common Man said...

    I’m sorry your life sucks so much because you have to ask people to get out of your incredibly expensive seats because you can’t be bothered to get to the damn game on time.  And I’m sorry that you have wonderful seats that you can afford and enjoy on a regular basis while middle and lower class Americans are being squeezed out of ballparks by skyrocketing ticket prices and declining economy.  That must suck for you.  Way to prioritize.


  5. D Wrek said...

    Ok, you got me.  Theres no way you could care this much about what I do.  You almost had me goin.
    However I will attmept to reprioritze to help stimulate the economy.
    Appreciate the laugh.  I should learn not to be so nieve on Mondays…
    Well played sir.

  6. Ron said...

    I have to question the fact that this actually happened. I used to work security for the Mariners, and teh chances of this happening are slim to none.

    I had a badge, a uniform, and was licensed by the state, and there were still places I couldn’t go to without an escort or prior approval. Like the locker room, for one. There is security at every door, and someone checking badges. There is a pass list and someone from the club (known to all) who escorts and accounts for all personnel going in and out of anywhere. And the players are all well aware of who belongs and who dosn’t.

    As well as security roaming looking for anyone who doesn’t belong. And it’s easy to spot them.

    And no one just walks through a gate into the dugout. Have you ever seen the amount of police and security that ring the field for important games. Ain’t gonna happen.

    I’m calling bullshit on this story.

  7. Jay said...

    Ron, I would encourage you to check out the link above about the Giants victory parade. There are pictures and everything. He did this at City Hall which is basically right down the street from Ground Zero. You’d think they’d have been tighter on the security there, and he still pulled it off.

  8. Ron said...

    Anything is possible, but I don’t belive it. Not being that visible. If he was able to do all of that, he had inside help from someone. He knew someone who could introduce him the players, or Strahan was in on it. The players know who belong and who doesn’t, and will be the first one to identify a stranger.

    Plus, the fact that he has committed a crime (trespassing) and admitted is kind of stupid, because he can be prosecuted for that.

    He’s either the stupidest person on the planet, or has a strange desire to spend time in the city jail. And considering this is a Rick Reilly article, I’m not sure why anyone would take it seriously to start with.

    Again, I’m calling bullshit.

  9. Ian said...

    Walk like your headed somewhere, avoid eye contact, and dress appropriately.

    Works almost every time. Being on your cell phone is a great way to walk right past these kinda things because people don’t want to interrupt you.

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