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Banana Fana Fo Fudcatby Steve TrederMay 17, 2005 WHEREAS, it has come to our attention that the multitudinous tabulation of names -- family, given, and "nick" -- comprising the history of major league baseball, could be rendered more accessible and useful were it to be segmented into a logical and explanatory sequence of categories, LET US THEN RESOLVE to commence the laborious task of performing said categorization. What is presented herefore is an initial, exploratory effort, by no means intended to be construed as complete, comprehensive, or consummated, at creating THE DEPARTMENTALIZED CATALOGUE OF BASEBALL NAMES: The Department of Just Plain Funny Emil "Hillbilly" Bildilli Frank Funk Fabian Kowalik Eli Grba DeWitt "Bevo" LeBourveau Terrmel Sledge Lu Blue Doug "Eye Chart" Gwosdz Ivey Wingo Orval Overall Jerry Upp Estel Crabtree Creepy Crespi Sibby Sisti Van Lingle Mungo Emil Yde Epp Sell Biff Pocoroba Sig Jakucki Gomer Hodge The Department of Just Plain Weird Urban Shocker El Tappe Bibb Falk Ugueth Urbina Scipio Spinks Vida Blue Rikkert Faneyte Zoilo Versalles Yorvit Torrealba The Department of Just Plain Weird, Beginning with "I" Division Garth Iorg Happy Iott Ham Iburg Doc Imlay Bert Inks Hansel Izquierdo The Department of Say This Fast Ten Times Gary Gray The Department of Change Harry to Eric Rasmussen Joey to Albert Belle Richie to Dick Allen Jose Gonzalez to Jose Uribe (referred to by Giants' broadcaster Hank Greenwald as "the player to be named later") Ernest Dudley Lee (who also played as Ernest Dudley, and also played as Dud Dudley, and also, of course, played as Dud Lee) The Department of Can You Identify This Player? John Paveskovich Fiore Tennaci Aloys Szymanski Francesco Pezzolo Casimir Kwietniewski The Department of Can You Identify This Player, Given First and Middle Names Only, Because With the Last Name Included It's a Cinch Division Ludwig Heinrich ------ Giuseppe Paolo -------- The Department of Coincidence Lee Maye and Lee May Dutch Leonard and Dutch Leonard Mike Marshall and Mike Marshall Steve Ontiveros and Steve Ontiveros Don Leppert and Don Leppert Bob Sadowski and Bob Sadowski The Department of Coincidence, Left-Handed Hitting Second Basemen Division Joe Morgan and Joe Morgan The Department of Coincidence, Right-Handed Hitting Slugging First Basemen Division Frank Thomas and Frank Thomas The Department of Coincidence, Right-Handed Hitting Catchers in the Late 1950s and Early 1960s Division Hal Smith and Hal Smith The Department of Coincidence, Right-Handed Pitchers Whose Careers Ended in 1995 Division Greg Harris and Greg Harris The Department of Coincidence, Pitchers Who Were With the Mets in 1962 Division Bob Miller and Bob Miller The Department of Coincidence, Pitchers Who Were With the Mets in 2000 and the Padres in 2002 Division Bobby Jones and Bobby Jones The Department of Coincidence, Guys Who Played in the 1950s/1960s and Who Really, Really Couldn't Hit Division Dick Smith, Dick Smith, and Dick Smith The Department of We Got It the First Time Dusty Rhodes Dusty Rhodes Dusty Rhodes The Department of Redundancy Department Donn Clendenon Dann Bilardello Robb Nen Gregg Zaun Torii Hunter Larry Biittner Tim Harikkala Kevin Mmahat The Department of The Guest Register at the No-Tell Motel Bob Johnson Charlie Smith Charlie Smith Bob Johnson Charley Smith Mack Jones Bob Johnson Bob Johnson The Department of What Do You Get When You Neglect to Clean Out the Vegetable Drawer in the Fridge? Harry Colliflower The Department of Anatomy Ralph Head Ed Head Elroy Face Bill Hands Rollie Fingers Greg Legg Barry Foote The Department of Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter! Boob Fowler Jack Glasscock Pedro Feliz Rusty Peters Rusty Kuntz Dick Wantz Dick Joyce Dick Pole Dick Hoover Dick Braggins Johnny Dickshot The Department of What Choice of Profession Did He Really Have? Fielder Jones Cecil Fielder Charlie Spikes Matt Batts Neal Ball Darcy Fast Horace Speed Vic Power The Department of How to Identify Rolling Stones Les Moss The Department of Still Needs More Cowbell Les Bell The Department of What Should We Do Before We Roll? Les Rock The Department of Make Mine a Double Jack "Sour Mash" Daniels The Deparment of I Guess His Parents Had a Sense of Humor Milton Bradley The Deparment of I Guess His Parents Were a Bit Peculiar Alan Mitchell Edward George Patrick Henry Gallagher The Department of It's Obvious His Parents Were a Bit Peculiar Wonderful Terrific Monds The Department of His Parents Were a Bit Confused Barbra Chrisley John Patsy Francona The Department of Pam Grier is a Lot Better-Looking Jackie Brown The Department of The Navy Showboat Fisher Riverboat Smith Admiral Schlei The Department of The Army Major Kerby Farrell Colonel Snover General Crowder General Stafford The Department of Just Too Colorful Pickles Dillhoefer Razor Shines Orville "Coot" Veal Piano Legs Hickman La Schelle Tarver Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown Bombo Rivera Maggie Magoon Gordon Goldsberry Topsy Hartsel Muddy Ruel Hensley "Bam Bam" Meulens Dominic "Dim Dom" Dallessandro Homer Smoot Noble Winfield "Win" Ballou Larvell "Sugar Bear" Blanks Laynce Nix Buster Bray Heinie Meine Mose "The Rabbi of Swat" Solomon Coco Crisp Oil Can Boyd Putsy Caballero Chip Hale Johnny "Hippity" Hopp Chi-Chi Olivo Bump Wills Chippy Gaw Pompeyo "Yo-Yo" Davalillo Angel Bravo Champ Summers Vito Valentinetti Choo Choo Coleman The Department of Zoology Chicken Hawks Chicken Wolf Red Bird The Department of Zoology, Whirlpools in Streams Division Dizzy Trout The Department of Just What the Hell Does That Mean Anyway? Mudcat Grant The Department of Tut, Tut, Jeeves Jennings Poindexter Chase Utley Brook Fordyce Percival Edmund Wentworth Ford Morgan Ensberg Brock Pemberton The Department of You've Got to be Kidding Me Guy Sturdy The Department of Now You've Really Got to be Kidding Me Tony Suck The Department of Elizabethan Tragedy King Lear The Department of Hero Worship Charles Dickens Bold Thomas Jefferson Davis Bridges Abraham Lincoln Wolstenholme Abraham Lincoln Wade Abraham Lincoln Bailey Ulysses Simpson Grant McGlynn Ulysses Simpson Grant Stoner Grover Cleveland Alexander Grover Cleveland Lowdermilk Grover Cleveland Baichley Grover Cleveland Land William Jennings Bryan Herman William Jennings Bryan Harriss William Jennings Bryan Patterson Woodrow Wilson Davis Woodrow Wilson Williams Calvin Coolidge Ermer Theodore Roosevelt Lilly Franklin Delano Roosevelt Wieand Thomas Edison Alston Willie Mays Aikens Larry Doby Johnson Ryne Dee Sandberg Calvin Coolidge Julius Caesar Tuskahoma McLish The Department of Full Employment of Character Spaces Aurelio Monteagudo Arnie Portocarrero Justin Duchscherer Bob Giallombardo Billy Grabarkewitz Mark Grudzielanek Cornelius McGillicuddy Ken Raffensberger Bill Wambsganss Red Schoendienst Jerry Schoonmaker Paul Thormodsgard Wilhelmus Remmerswaal Ossee Schreckengost Rafael Santo Domingo William Van Landingham Christian Frederick Wilhelm Von der Ahe The Department of Conservation of Character Spaces V T Tatum J W Porter R C Stevens J C Hartman U L Washington The Department of Honoring the Family Heritage is All Well and Good, But I'd Still Change It Clyde Kluttz Mickey Klutts Gene Krapp Harry Chiti The Department of Forget That He's a Hall of Famer, Isn't That a Funky Name? Napoleon Lajoie Early Wynn Harmon Killebrew Yogi Berra Zack Wheat Gaylord Perry Hazen "Kiki" Cuyler Eppa Rixey Tris Speaker The Department of Abstract Expressionism Bill James Bill James The Department of Just a Really Cool Name Jose Tartabull Dain Clay Wally Pipp Candy Maldonado Carson Bigbee Garland Buckeye Winston Llenas Duke Carmel Buzz Capra Jarvis Tatum Malachi Kittridge References and Resources The George Washington X's, Thomas Jefferson X's, Benjamin Franlin X's, and even James Madison and John Adams X's are just too numerous to list. One must conclude that being named after a Founding Father was just not all that unusual a deal for a long time in our great Republic. Also there are too many Andrew Jackson X's to have lised them all here. He was obviously rather popular too. With acknowledgement to the wonderful writer Darryl Brock, who presented an eerily similarly-themed fun piece in the Sunday, May 8th Sporting Green of the San Francisco Chronicle. Honest, Darryl, I didn't steal your idea! You think I could have looked all these guys up in one week's time? Steve Treder can often be found spending way too much time talking baseball at Baseball Primer. He welcomes your questions and comments via e-mail. Do you have a general question or comment for one of THT's writers? Send it in to our weekly mailbag We also welcome unsolicited op-ed pieces of approximately 500 words for consideration. We reserve the right to edit for length, clarity and consistency of style. Please include your whole name and location to be considered. If you have a comment about this specific article, please email the writer. Next Article: Around the Majors: Wells will come off the DL>> <<Previous Article: Game in Review: Brewers at Pirates |
