Umpiring System Overhaul Signatories
Grant
Chris W
David
Dan Friedman
John Ziccardi
Kevin S.
Alex K.
Umpty
Greg Simons
John Willumsen

——

Even though I assume everybody’s probably had a belly full of this conversation (including me!) I’ll quickly respond to the general point made by Greg and John:

I never insulted anybody first, only after they hated my comments about baseball so much that they decided to insult me.  I know this because it’s not in my nature to insult total strangers unless they’re lying or they’ve insulted me first.  I just don’t feel like that.

Lastly, I’m not necessarily promoting any sort of computertized umpiring system (especially for balls and strikes.)  In fact, I think that the colossal expenditure of time and money that’d be necessary for creating, for example, some sort of radar or laser system to determine fair and foul balls is totally unnecessary: just do what tennis and common sense would have us do, use replays.  Simply have a trio of umpires in a booth with HD monitors who have veto power over certain on-field calls.  There could be a red light that flashes on the scoreboard when they’re overturning the on-field umpires calls.  (That’d be an awesome way of cutting these power-tripping, god-complex-having umpires down to size!)

Also, there must be accountability when umpires make flagrantly bad calls (whatever their motives are).  Selig and MLB famously broke the umpire’s union a few years ago, making them their bitches.  And yet they’ve only used their now-godlike powers over the umps to cut their pay, not to increase quality, as the quality this year was the worst I’ve ever seen, bar none (so much that, obviously, I strongly suspect mass corruption).

No, David, I don’t agree to disagree. Conspiracy theorists like you do real, tangible damage to society and our enjoyment of life. They sell a false world of dark and shadowy forces manipulating our lives and choices, making us powerless dupes. They spread paranoia and mistrust, using the same kind of half-truths, logical double-speak and intellectual dishonesty that have long been the staple of Holocaust-deniers, creationists and, more recently, “Truthers” and “Birthers.” A democracy is built on trust, and they destroy trust, ostensibly to save us with “the truth,” but actually to give themselves power. And it’s a destructive power…the power to make us reject our institutions, professions and leaders as sinister. The government is out to kill us. Corporations are evil forces. Lawyers don’t care; doctors don’t care. The Trilateral Commission runs all the big governments, the UN is a sham, the CIA created AIDS to kill African-Americans,LBJ had JFK shot, the moon landing was a fake. And baseball is a lie.

I can tell you are sincere, but so are those bearded prophets in Times Square who carry signs saying the world is going to end. They, however, are harmless, beacuse they are obviously deranged. What you do is worse. The “logic” of conspiracy-mongers has helped destroy civil political discourse in the US, encouraged hate, fear, anxiety and desperation, while undermining cooperation, faith, hope and inspiration.

Yes there are bad people out there, and frauds, and scams, but good, smart, dedicated people work hard to expose and punish them, and the vast majority of the frauds ARE exposed. Life is not futile; the powerful and rich are not all out to deceive and screw us, and those who are aren’t as powerful as you think.

Your ilk are the same people who whisper in young children’s ears that their parents don’t really love them, or persuade a husband that his wife unfaithful. You are Iago, but worse, because you would turn all of us against each other, untrusting, certain that every smile is false, that everyone who extends his hand is hiding a shiv behind his back. As free speech goes, yours is as harmful and without mitigating benefits as any I know. It is like a plague.

I’ll concede that you have a right to your comments, which are really a form of hate speech. You hate trust, and want others to hate it too. I love trust; it’s my business and my passion. And it needs to be protected from people like you.

See? Now we’re getting somewhere! Keep your mind-rotting, joy-crushing, hate-mongering paranoid fantasies to yourself, and it’s a deal.

Plus he’s probably one of them homos!

Cordially,

Your homo friend Jason, still waiting for Yakkety Sax to liven up the chronic umpiring mistakes of the 2009 postseason.  Someone bring Christmas to me early this year…