My Boy’s Gonna Play In The Big Leagues

Well this weekend is Mother’s Day and I can’t help but wonder what sort of motherly advice was dispensed to those who work and play in baseball. I imagine that like most admonitions from this source, some things are regarded and applied and others are ignored. I tend to wonder about such matters when the thorazine runs low, in case you’re wondering. Of course we can only guess what sort of maternal counsel was lovingly doled out to those who wear the silk ties and stirrup socks.

And guess we shall. I’ll let you—the dear reader (Hi mom!)—decide what advice went both heeded and unheeded. From the mothers of …

Ken Griffey Jr. “You can’t go home again.”

Mark McGwire: “Don’t dwell on the past.”

Julian Tavarez: “You keep making that face and one day it will freeze that way.”

David Samson: “You’re too young to drink coffee; it’ll stunt your growth.”

Alex Rodriguez: “Mrs. Arroyo called—how many times do I have to tell you to keep your hands to yourself?”

Bud Selig:“It’s not nice to take things that don’t belong to you!”

Rafael Palmeiro: “It’s not polite to point.”

Barry Bonds: “I know the hat is a little big now but you’ll grow into it.”

Jeffrey Loria: “Bow wow”

Gene Orza: “Not listening to your mother is a lot more dangerous than smoking.”

Dusty Baker: “Just remember, you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few pitchers.”

Carl Everett: “Turn off the T.V. I told you not to watch The Flintstones—it’s the tool of the devil.”

Jeff Kent: “Remember—cleanliness is next to godliness. Now go play with your truckie.”

Delmon Young: “Respect authority.”

Jose Canseco: “Nobody likes a tattle-tale.”

Scott Boras: “A fool and his money are soon parted.”

Josh Towers: “Winning isn’t everything.”

Jason Giambi: “Don’t forget to finish your juice.”

Tim McCarver: “Free speech is a right, not an obligation.”

Nomar Garciaparra: “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

Steve Bartman: “You always hurt the ones you love.”

Manny Ramirez: “Be sure to brush your teeth after …LOOK! A CHIPMUNK!”

Steve Trachsel: “Today would be nice.”

Moises Alou: “YOU DID WHAT???”

Denny Neagle: “That’s not a toy, now put it away.”

Alfonso Soriano: “No allowance until you do what you’re told.”

Johnny Damon: “Let me show you how to throw.”

Steve Garvey: “Treat every girl like she’s your daughter–because there’s a bloody good chance she is.” (for my fellow deviants back at Baseball Primer)

A.J. Pierzynski: “A.J. that wasn’t very nice. The doctor was just trying to help, now you apologize this instant!”

Roger Clemens: “Every example of feline roadkill shows the dangers of indecision.”

Antonio Alfonseca: “I don’t think killing Indigo Montoya’s father was a good idea.”

Roberto Alomar: “Say it, don’t spray it.”

Kris Benson: “You should find a nice girl and settle down.”

Christian Guzman: “It’s not nice to hit.”

Kenny Rogers: “‘Say cheese’ … what are you doing?? Get back, I’m your mother PLEASE DON’T!! AAAAUGH!!!

Enjoy the weekend folks!

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