My Morning in Exile

Great Moments in my day job: This morning I was sued (in my official capacity) by a violent inmate currently serving life in a New York prison. He’s trying to get transferred to an Ohio prison, and keeps suing public officials in order to accomplish his goal. I represent public officials in Ohio, so I defend these lawsuits. Mr. Murderer, who shockingly acts as his own attorney, doesn’t like the way I’m defending one, so I have now become the latest public official in the lawsuit. The best part: the cover letter which accompanied the complaint ended with the sentence “Get you a lawyer.”

I know I risk a Cape Fear situation if I do this, but right now I have an overwhelming urge to mark up the letter’s grammatical errors with a red pen and send it back to him along with an 8×10″ photo of me enjoying a beer in the sunshine somewhere. Would that be wrong? Should I not do that?

  • What we talk about when we talk about All-Stars.
  • It’s likely that someone you know — who works really hard and does a good job — has been laid off in the last year. Eric Wedge’s job, however, is safe as milk.
  • A travelling ballplayer’s car broke down at a farmhouse. The farmer said “you can spend the night here as long as you stay away from my beautiful daughters . . .”
  • Rinku and Dinesh go to Bradenton.
  • The Texas Rangers are lucky that they can promote from within.
  • Finally, Manny and A-Rod will be home on July 14th, not because they’re evil, but because they aren’t worthy.
  • “Counselor . . . .couuuuunselooooor . . . .”

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    1. MooseinOhio said...

      I believe some states have banned the use of red marks for marking up papers so you may want to make sure you do not add to you “legal problems” by violating the ban. 

      From what I read purple and green are all the rage … of course in a few years they’ll ban those colors as well.

    2. michael standish said...

      As someone who worked with ex offenders (am I dating myself by using obsolete—in terms of political correctness—nomenclature?), I’d strongly recommend that you first get a feel (indirectly/discreetly might be best) for your pen pal’s frame of mind. Some have a more highly developed sense of humor than others.

      This is a roundabout way of saying that I’d be more inclined to use the photo on my business card
      (you might be surprised at how many benevolent mental defectives like me need legal assistance).

      Also, this is probably as good a time as any to ask whether you’re licensed to practice in Massachusetts. I WAS impressed by the photo.

    3. timmy said...

      Especially enjoyed the story about Votto and his host family.  Thanks for the link on that.

      As for the Indian pitchers making their debuts, at least you can say they’re strike-throwers.

    4. Jason B said...

      Careful how you play it, otherwise the next thing you know this psycho will be sticking his fingers in your daughter’s mouth.

      (After which Juliette Lewis went from angelic to batsh*t crazy pretty quickly.)

    5. Silver King said...

      I’m a grammar teacher (college remedial and ESL) and I’d prefer using green ink instead of the cringe-inducing red.  Unfortunately, green pens don’t seem to write nearly as smoothly.  I’m talking about the non-smearing/bleeding sort, preferably with a somewhat fine point and not expensive.  Could there be something about the chemistry of green ink that makes it worse than red, black, or blue in similar pens?

      And yeah, I think you’re way better off just fantasizing about replying like that.

      Alas, I don’t recognize the Carver reference.

      Michael wrote, “Am I dating myself?”  Hmm, it would avoid a whole lot of hassles.  Break-ups would be a bear, however.

    6. Jack Marshall said...

      Gee, Craig…a logical, clear, reasoned,dispassionate,undeniably accurate analysis of the annual All-Star Game roster controversy, known in my household as the “Rich Rollins v. Brooks Robinson” debate. Where have you been the last, oh, 40 years? Can we blanket e-mail this to every sportswriter and blogger in existence? And can anyone answer this question for me: what were the half-season stats of Ruth, Gehrig, Foxx, Simmons and Cronin in that 1934 All-Star Game when Carl Hubbell struck them out in sequence? I’m betting that by the standards of the half-season advocates, Hubbell never would have had the chance to make a legend.

    7. Craig Calcaterra said...

      Silver King—“What we talk about when we talk about love” is the title of Carver’s signature short story anthology. At least I think it’s his signature anthology. It’s the one I have, and I’m no student of his life and works.

      Jack: I just wish it was as easy for me to decide where I come down on the controversy as opposed to merely identifying its parameters.  There are days when I just want to see the big famous guys play. There are days when I want to see the guys who, in the two weeks before the game, are absolutely on fire so as to ensure the best competition.  I’m totally schizo about this, with the only constant I have is wanting to managers to resist the urge to try and play everyone and simply stick with as close to one team as possible during the game.

    8. Jack Marshall said...

      Craig—-being schizo on this is the only rational position. How’s THAT for irony? My moment of schizo came in 1987, when Roger Clemens, the Cy Young Award winner, was left off the team because he got a late start. Then he won the 1987 Cy Young too. So the AL’s best pitcher of 1986-1987 was left off the All-Star team right in the middle because Jay Howell had a good first half (sort of.)

    9. blaze said...

      It’s time to roll out “You can’t out crazy me, so don’t even try.” I sleep better at night knowing you’ve got my boss’s back.

    10. michael standish said...

      For Silver King’s enlightenment: I confess that there have been several protracted periods in my life when I might have been said to be dating myself. Be aware, though, that the breakups were in fact a cinch.

    11. Jason B said...

      Pick up the five-color multi-pack of Pilot Precise V5 rolling ball pens, extra fine tip.  1 each in black, blue, red, purple, and green.  They write forever, and are about the best way I know of to spend seven bucks.  They won’t disappoint.

      When proof-reading in my official work capacity (as opposed to this goofing around on the internet, which is decidedly non-official), I usually opt for purple or green.  With the extra fine tip, you can write an entire treatise (screed?) on why the writer should’ve used a semicolon.

      I *like* semicolons. Some might say…a little too much.  Thinking of entering a 12-step program for rehabilitation purposes.

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