The Pujols Awards: Week 15

Well, “The Bud” is kaput. Before you start tossing around party favors and cueing up Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration,” bear in mind that we’re talking about the award and not the commissioner. Bud Selig finally wised up and implemented George Mitchell’s recommendation not to punish players named in his report.

I am a man of my word.

There is a void, however (besides the one between my ears), and we need to recognize the worst of the worst. I gave this a few seconds hard thought and decided that the new award should recognize those who demonstrate short-sightedness, small thinking, diminutive moral standing, undersized intellectual capacity, and stunted mental and emotional development, those who have stooped so low that they could get their nose hairs caught in their own fly with YKK imprinted on the skin between their nostrils.

This isn’t for garden-variety chuckleheadedness—it’s for giving I.D. advocates a living example to claim that natural selection is bogus simply by virtue of their continued existence.

Now, who could fit such a description? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? For the love of God …WHO????

Well, after receiving the criteria from the one side of my brain, the other side of my brain had an epiphany. Angels descended from on high, bathing me in golden light announcing with a trumpet flourish…

(trumpet flourish)

…and a voice that sounded like thunder reverberated with “Thou shalt call thy new award … THE SAMSONS!!!”

(cymbals clash)

(musical riff from “Psycho”).

To nominate someone for “The Samson” (musical riff from “Psycho”), bear in mind the previously stated criteria: “The Samson” should “recognize those who demonstrate short-sightedness, small thinking, diminutive moral standing, undersized intellectual capacity, stunted mental and emotional development and have stooped so low that they could get their nose hairs caught in their own fly with YKK imprinted on the skin between their nostrils. This isn’t for garden-variety chuckleheadedness—it’s for giving I.D. advocates a living example to claim that natural selection is bogus simply by virtue of their continued existence.”

Pretty straightforward—if somebody in baseball acts as if he need instructions printed on the handle of a toilet tank or requires a warning to stop pushing when the Q-Tip can go no further on the box—make a nomination. Like “The Bud,” nominations are not automatic—you have to make a case that the person deserves it.

Onward and upward. It’s been a light week so I devoted my time working on an appropriate “trophy” for the new award.

The Alberts

Troy Percival (Submitted by Carmine Bernardo)

I have a nominee for a belated Albert award for Troy Percival. As I understand it, after Percival signed with Detroit and came up lame with a big contract, he purchased a luxury suite at the ballpark for the players’ wives. I think that was cool, not earth-shattering, solve world peace kind of good, but good nonetheless.

I’ve often wondered how players react when they sign a deal and can’t play (yes, I’m looking at you Mike Sirotka). It’s nice to see that some feel they should provide something for the team. Kudos to Mr. Percival.

The New York Yankees (Submitted by Jeff Girgenti)

I like how they handled the David Ortiz jersey buried in the new stadium business. I’m sure some Yankees-haters will think they deserve a Luis for threatening legal action against the construction guy who buried it. But the way I look at it, if someone buried something under my newly built house with the sole purpose of pissing me off, I’d be, well, pissed off. Anyway, regardless of how you feel about that part of the story, the Yanks have done a good deed in sending the jersey to the Red Sox’ favorite charity, the Jimmy Fund, to auction it off.

Jeff, as of this writing, no Luis nominations have been submitted surrounding this event. Oddly, this is the second straight week nobody has sent in a Luis.

Maury Brown (Submitted by The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort)

Maury’s been using his platform to raise awareness of the difficulties faced by parent of autistic children. A great many in the media as well as bloggers have been helping Maury to spread the word. We can’t save the world, but we can always do something to make our particular corner a better place to live.

Others who have helped Maury spread the word include Tim Lemke of the Washington Times (Helping Autism Research), Carolyn Hastings with the Cleveland Plain Dealer (A Sports Autism Challenge), Darren “Repoz” Viola at Baseball Think Factory, David Pinto at Baseball Musings, Sportsthodoxy, Dave Rouleau at Baseball Digest Daily, NESW Sports, Fang’s Bites, Brew Crew Ball and Pete Toms (Baseball Geek).

The Luis

Somebody deserves this. I‘m just not sure who (Submitted by The Progenitor of Severe Gluteal Discomfort

As you have no doubt heard, Miguel Tejada is two years older than initially listed. Do we give a Luis for Tejada for lying about his age and not ‘fessing up until he had no choice (that sort of thing gets you a date with a grand jury nowadays). Do we give it to the Astros for not doing any kind of due diligence on a guy for whom they traded?

There is one thing that irks me in all this: Whenever a team dots a letter incorrectly on a contract both the union and the player’s agent (if he can improve his circumstances) will try to parlay the mistake into free agency and bigger bucks. However, when a player does something like this and a team assumes it’s getting a talented player of a certain age and pays accordingly only to find out the bill of goods was fraudulent—nothing happens.

It would be nice at the very least to hear some kind of reprimand from the MLBPA when this occurs. At least some kind of recognition that both sides view the wording of a contract as sacred—and not just when one side benefits.

If you have a nomination for the “The Pujols Award,” let us know! who deserves to be honored this week. If you wish to have your blog credited with the submission, we’ll post the link along with your candidate. Let us know why you feel he deserves an Albert or a Luis.