The Pujols Awards: Week 9

It’s getting close—you can feel it in the air! As the conclusion of the winter of our discontent nears, opportunity will abound for those in baseball to distinguish themselves for better or for worse or in their trousers. Already folks are stepping up to the plate and showing that they have class or are just a horse’s…

For example, the idiots running the NL club in the Sunshine State are always good for a few induced vomiting sessions and you’ve gotta love Jeffrey Loria. He has sobbed, whined and sniveled about his sorry economic state. Since he so generously supports the Marlins even if it means eating Fancy Feast with his fingers while living in a rusted out 1973 Mercury Bobcat that is parked under a bridge, he needed hundreds of millions of tax dollars to ensure that his club has a nice place to play, but not get paid, in.

South Florida let the terrorists win and Loria let folks know that the team’s payroll will again be less than his revenue sharing subsidies.

Where does the extra money go?

Well, Loria pulled into his parking spot at Roger Dean Stadium where the Ex-’Spos play behind the wheel of a new Ferrari 599 GTB Fiorano most likely equipped with an Evenflo® Triumph Advance™ Premier child’s car seat riding shotgun for his son-in-law.

Somebody must be doing well for himself, doncha think? He’s well on his way to be a finalist in our year-end “Pujols Awards” competition. At any rate, time to get started…

The Alberts

Tom Gordon (Submitted by Crashburn Alley’s Bill Baer)

Tom Gordon gets an Albert for this:

“When they told me Brad was going to be the closer, I didn’t have any ill feelings at all,” Gordon says. “I wanted to come here and help. I’m grateful to be here.”

(…)

“I was told years ago that there’s no loyalty in this game,” Gordon continues. “I tell you, Philadelphia stuck behind me last year when I was sick, when I was injured. They’ve given me support here. They’ve given me everything I need.

“I’m going to stick with them.”

John Henry (Submitted by eTrueSports.com’s Frank Coffey)

After Hank Steinbrenner’s rant about Red Sox Nation, when he bellowed:

“Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of (nonsense) that is … That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.”

John Henry passed along everything required to make Hank a member of RSN and welcomed him aboard. For a stunt that would make Bill Veeck smile and demonstrating that he doesn’t take things too seriously, Henry gets an Albert. Of course I, for one, cannot wait until Hank and Larry “Lava-Lips” Lucchino get unzipped (metaphallucally speaking) in a good ol’ fashioned comparative genitalia size-evaluation competition and urination derby in the media.

Tony LaRussa (Submitted by Keven Kiloran)

I nominate Tony LaRussa, because he tried to get Bonds on the team. What a disgrace that this hitter is being colluded against by Butt Selig, etc. I am not a fan of the man, but I am a fan of watching great players play.

The Luis

The Philadelphia Phillies (Submitted by Crashburn Alley’s Bill Baer)

And the Phillies’ front office gets a Luis for this:

ESPN’s Buster Olney is reporting Kyle Lohse is willing to accept a one-year deal for between $4 and $10 million. While I believe that ship has sailed, I also know his name will be brought up multiple times in the next few days.

In fact, I just put a call into assistant general manager Mike Arbuckle and he said “I will say at those numbers we’re probably not interested. You know what, let me change that. At those numbers I know we’re not interested.”

The Phillies have in their rotation:

  • An ace left hander, Cole Hamels, who has battled injury throughout his minor league career and has spent time on the DL in each of the two seasons he’s been in the majors.
  • A 45-year-old left hander in Jamie Moyer.
  • Brett Myers, who is transitioning from the bullpen back to the rotation.
  • Kyle Kendrick, whose strikeout rates and recent spring training performance should scare you.
  • Adam Eaton—is an explanation necessary? (No.—J.B.)
  • On the horizon, Kris Benson, who hasn’t pitched at the league average or better since 2004 and is coming back from injury; Chad Durbin, who has an amazing total of 84 innings pitched between 2002-06, and put up a 4.72 ERA in about 128 innings last season, and J.D. Durbin.

Why are the Phillies not stalking Lohse, especially when his agent, the ever-greedy Scott Boras, has lowered the standard to a one-year, $4-10 million deal? Lohse has no injury history and is almost guaranteed to give you league-average production, which Kendrick and Eaton certainly aren’t locks to give you.

Hank Steinbrenner (Submitted by eTrueSports.com’s Frank Coffey)

If you wondered where the sound of overjoyed shrieks and orgasmic sighs originated, the former from Red Sox Nation, the latter from Scott Boras and assorted player agents. What caused this burst of positive karmic energy? Hank Steinbrenner (an honorary member of RSN) opened his mouth to expel the built up pressure caused by synaptic flatulence. He opened the space between the cheeks on his face (although it is hard to tell most days which end is up) reverberating the following sound:

“The truth of the matter is that as much as the players and managers want to win, no one wants to win more than myself and Hal and the rest of the family; it all starts at the top. So we should be making all of the final decisions, and we will.” (Bolding mine)

Nothing would make those parties happier than knowing the next-generation Steinbrenners will be making personnel decisions for the Bronx Bombers. For subsidizing the tobacco industry by giving RSN and player agents the need for something to go with a post-orgasmic glow, Hank Steinbrenner gets a Luis.

Tony LaRussa (Submitted by Adam Dorhauer and James Cole)

This is more for last week, but I saw La LaRussa received a Luis Award for trying to convince the organization to pursue Bonds, and I think he deserved one more for the following quote on Scott Spiezio’s release after the club learned alcohol was involved in a driving incident leading to six charges:

“I think it’s a consistent message about what the team represents.”

The message sent here is that irresponsible, reckless and dangerous behavior is unacceptable if you’re already on thin ice and your on-field value to the team is marginal. Nothing more. I understand cutting the guy; all things considered, it had to be done, but after how they handled La LaRussa’s DUI, don’t pretend it is about sending “a consistent message about what the team represents.” And sure as hell don’t pretend that when you’re the guy who just got a two-year extension making you one of the highest paid managers in the game within a year of your own alcohol-related driving charges.—A. Dorhauer

Josh Hancock passed away while driving under the influence, Spiezio is probably going to spend some time in jail because he drove drunk. A year after winning a championship, his team is falling apart because of substance abuse problems. If he had any decency at all, he would make good on his claim to “accept full responsibility for (his) conduct,” and step down.—J. Cole

If you have a nomination for the “The Pujols Award,” let us know! who deserves to be honored this week. If you wish to have your blog credited with the submission, we’ll post the link along with your candidate. Let us know why you feel he deserves an Albert or a Luis.

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