The Screwball: Broken News!

Who needs Scott Boras when you can have an agent who "usually just stands in the shadows." (via Ryan Hyde)

Who needs Scott Boras when you can have an agent who “usually just stands in the shadows.” (via Ryan Hyde)

Breaking: The Early Bird News Service has learned that in the age of Twitter and the Internet, baseball writers often rush to get a story before confirming its accuracy. EBNS has also learned to avoid the same mistake, sometimes in favor of a different mistake but usually by just not plagiarizing. What follows, via EBNS, is an exclusive series of broken reports.

Yankees Join Pursuit of Lester

Capitalizing on the Hunger Games craze, the Yankees have purchased a pair of Critter Gitter hunting vehicles and set off in pursuit of free agent pitcher Jon Lester. According to an inside source, Lester is currently hiding under a limestone ledge in Sector 8. “Meanwhile,” said tipster Jacques Strap, via Twitter, “Mark Teixeira has fallen off the Critter Gitter 2 and reinjured his wrist, while Michael Pineda just keeps wandering off to the pine forest.”

Dodgers Make Shields an Offer

According to a message-board post by DaJester67, the Dodgers have offered free agent pitcher James Shields three free months of HBO if he signs a two-year contract. “The offer is good today only,” the poster added. “Word is, they’ll consider throwing in Cinemax.”

Mariners Re-Sign King Felix

In efforts to reduce any impatience on the part of Felix Hernandez, the Mariners have traded the star pitcher’s astrological sign for that of Taurus. “True, he was born on April 8 and thus in the house of impulsive Aries,” said GM Jack Zduriencik, perhaps, “but as Felix gets closer to 30, he’ll benefit from the patience of someone born two weeks later. Sure, the lady at Madame Stardust’s House of Ecliptic Longitudes said we could have cash and an astrological sign to be named later, but I didn’t want to take the risk. I mean, hey, I’m a Capricorn!”

Scherzer Has a New Agent

According to sketchy reports from behind the former Iron Curtain, free agent pitcher Max Scherzer has acquired a new agent. “This agent usually just stands in the shadows, with his trench coat and fedora silhouetted by the red glow of a mentholated Viceroy cigarette,” said an insider who declined to give her name but who spoke in a sexy, sultry voice. “I did just see him in a safe house in Minsk, though. In low tones, he was talking to Walt Jocketty.”

Pirates Have Made Hamilton a Miner League Offer

In search of outfield help, the Pirates have violated baseball etiquette and, according to a source, “probably the rules” by extending an offer to Angels outfielder Josh Hamilton. “Considering Mr. Hamilton’s history of trouble during day games, the Pirates thought he might benefit from hitting inside a very deep coal mine in northeastern Pennsylvania, perhaps somewhere in Lackawanna or Northumberland counties,” said freelance reporter Heywood Yapinchme. “He’ll need to wear steel-toed boots and pack his own lunch.”

Padres Acquire Belt from San Francisco

During a recent drive up the coast, the Padres acquired from the Nordstrom at Stonestown Galleria a Salvatore Ferragamo Signature Ornament Reversible Belt, size 42. “We’re not a big-market team,” said Padres GM A.J. Preller, in all probability. “So, unlike the Dodgers, we can’t just get a belt for every player. That’s crazy talk. Instead, we got one really nice belt, reversible and relatively large, to accommodate every player and ensemble. The metaphor here is: We’re used to cinching our belts! In all probability, you can quote me on that.”

Orioles Designate Machado for Assignment

In a move that is sure to stun observers, the Orioles have ordered third baseman Manny Machado to write a three-page essay – single spaced – about the frontal lobes of former big leaguers Jose Offerman and Bert Campaneris, whose violent bat-wielding incidents predated Machado’s own incident this past summer. “As you know, the frontal lobes are responsible for impulse control,” O’s manager Buck Showalter explained, maybe, while slapping himself in efforts to stifle a desire to reach for a jelly donut. “So, if Manny can learn something by exploring their lobes, then we’ll have done our job. I just hope Campy holds still while Manny goes in with an X-Acto knife, and that Offerman doesn’t still have a bat.”

Angels Claim Wilson off Weavers

In a move that should surprise no one except the editors at Weaving Today, the Angels have claimed starter C.J. Wilson from a secretive coterie of weavers who call themselves the Secretive Coterie Of Weavers. “I’m just glad we got him back,” manager Mike Scioscia said, probably, while trying on a twill cardigan. “I’m especially glad that his ‘weaver’s bursitis,’ which can be a problem for anyone who works the edges, appears relatively mild.”

Per hard-to-hear rumors, the team reclaimed the famed polymath by means of abduction at the SCOW compound. “As abductions go, it was easy,” GM Jerry Dipoto probably said. “The perimeter had been fashioned not from stone or brick but from a fine satin weave.”

Source: Ramirez “Carefully” Considered Vesting Option

According to an inside source, former free agent infielder Hanley Ramirez considered both a slim-fit brown tweed herringbone vest and a stepweave slim-fit vest, both from Macy’s, during contract negotiations with the Red Sox. “And yes,” added tipster Bob J. Macy, “he carefully considered them. After all, both vests are handsomely stylish and quite versatile, transitioning easily from casual apple-picking wear to more formal state-dinner wear.”

Pitchers and Catchers to Report “Super-Early”

In a bit of semantic kismet, the Early Bird News Service has learned that pitchers and catchers will report to spring training earlier than usual. “Super-early,” groused Giants catcher Buster Posey, maybe. “Sheesh, at 3 a.m., Pence is still howling at the moon.”

Outfielder Hunter Pence did not respond to midmorning phone calls.

Report: Astros, Presley Avoid Arbitration

The Houston Astros, and specifically outfielder Alex Presley, are taking special care this week to avoid turntablist DJ Arbitration in downtown Houston nightclubs. “The thing is, they owe the guy $80 for some speakers they bought,” said one observer, who probably asked to remain anonymous. “Plus, Presley and DJ Arbitration used to be roommates, and it didn’t end on good terms. You know how it is: They’re still arguing over the cable bill.”

A Hardball Times Update
Goodbye for now.

Tigers Looking to “Shop” Verlander

In hopes of revitalizing their onetime ace, the Tigers plan to sit Justin Verlander in a tight circle of forthright English-lit students whose blunt criticisms could help the righty address his problems on the mound. “Don’t just tell us you’re an ace by sporting four-day stubble while posing before a Dolce & Gabbana backdrop with the buxom spoils of haut monde victory,” one student will tell him, probably. “Show us you’re an ace by creating characters that actually want something – a shortstop, say, who wants to field a grounder instead of watching yet another strikeout. Also, in the words of Kurt Vonnegut, start as close to the end as possible. Seriously. Your bullpen is as bad as a Bulwer-Lytton short story.”

Correction: Contrary to a previous report, the Tigers are planning to Photoshop onto Justin Verlander’s body a picture of Corey Kluber’s face.

Diamondbacks, Goldschmidt Discuss New Deal

After tabling the discussion until after the 2014 season, the Diamondbacks and first baseman Paul Goldschmidt have now entered serious talks. “Goldie is arguing that both the Social Security System and the Securities and Exchange Commission were the most important results of the New Deal,” said historian Anita Bath, via telegraph. “Meanwhile, the Diamondbacks contend that it was really FDR’s fireside chats that meant the most for Americans, even in the summer when the weather was really quite hot.”

Mets Among Teams Interested in Politics, Religion

In efforts to bolster team chemistry, the Mets are turning to a dependable pair of team-building topics: politics and religion. “By agreeing that God exists, or that God doesn’t exist, we can enter the 2015 season with a singularity of purpose,” said one player, who identified himself as Hugh Jass in a call to an EBNS investigative reporter. “So, too, with politics – I mean, it’s clear that either the Republicans or the Democrats are right. So, during the first 10 minutes of spring training, we’ll make a consensus pick and then go do some stretching.”

Chicago Considering Molina, Pierzynski as Backups

Without a Top 10 hit since 1989’s What Kind of Man Would I Be, the American rock band Chicago is mulling the possibility of using veteran catchers Jose Molina and A.J. Pierzynski as backup singers. “For obvious reasons, the band members think both Jose and A.J. could hit the high notes,” said industry insider M.T. Promise, via singing telegram. “I mean, just put each guy behind the plate without an athletic cup, am I right? No, but seriously.”

Rays Have Interviewed Renteria

In hopes of securing an A for their kids, the Rays have interviewed former Cubs manager Rick Renteria about his time with the Jalisco Charros of the Mexican League. “It’s Culture Week at school,” one staffer said, maybe. “Did you know that ‘charro’ means ‘horseman’?”

Royals in “Serious Talks” with Santana

Per EBNS correspondent Pranky McMischief, a pair of Kansas City representatives ushered free agent pitcher Ervin Santana into the sitting room and closed the door behind them. “Yeah, so, they just sat on the couch and then asked Santana to sit on the chair,” reported McMischief, phoning from just outside the open window. “OK, now they’re saying – and I quote – ‘Ervin, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…’”

White Sox Sell LaRoche to Japan

According to an inside source, the White Sox have sold free agent signee Adam LaRoche to Japan. “The bigwigs had gotten drunk while celebrating the signing,” said tipster Ollie Tabooger, via email, “and they started talking about the Rangers having sold players to Japan. They were cracking up, saying, ‘How do you sell a player to an entire country?’ Then one guy made some calls and the next morning they woke to discover they really had sold LaRoche to Japan. What I’m hearing is that LaRoche will work in the nation’s mail room.”

Today Show Is ‘Early Favorite’ for Santana

Free agent pitcher Ervin Santana, in an interview with an American morning TV show, has revealed to America his favorite morning TV show. “Wow, that Al Roker,” he said through an interpreter to Al Roker. “He is the very soul of wit and wisdom, a man whose innate yet well-seasoned sagacity is matched only by his ability to deliver a withering one-liner. And Matt Lauer? His interviews are probing and on point – respectful, though not at the level of obsequious ingratiation, and tough, though not to the point of ‘gotcha’ guerrilla assault.

“All I can say,” Santana added, “is that I’m glad I have an alarm clock!”

Good Morning America Update: This did not actually happen.

AL MVP Trout Is Retiring

According to a press release from someone named Ray or maybe Roy, Mike Trout has announced his retirement. “Granted, he’s only 22 years old,” Ray or Roy reported, “but he’s been up since 6 a.m. and has gotten sleepy.” Attempts to reach Mr. Trout went unanswered.

Werth Turns Down Extension Offer from Nationals

Word out of Washington is that outfielder Jayson Werth has declined the team’s offer of an extension. “First of all,” Werth said, almost certainly, “what would I do with just one hair extension? I’d look pretty weird with a single length of hair trailing down my back like an out-of-control kudzu vine. If they want to talk extensions, plural, I’ll listen, but the thing people don’t realize is that my hair is already long. It’s also thick and lustrous.”

Phillies Look into Hitting Coach

Following a season in which the Phillies struggled to a .242 team batting average, front office personnel have given strong consideration to punching Steve Henderson in the ribs. “I mean, Henderson’s the hitting coach, so obviously it’s all his fault,” GM Ruben Amaro Jr. could have explained if given the opportunity. “That said, we have also considered prank-calling him early in the morning, and ringing his doorbell and then running away.”

Report: A’s to Fire Melvin

In the aftermath of Oakland’s disappointing playoff exit, management has decided to fire manager Bob Melvin from a circus cannon. “By firing Bob from a cannon,” GM Billy Beane might’ve explained, “we’ll deliver a clear metaphorical message – that we can, and will, do some firing, but will also provide a safety net for anyone subjected to this mechanism.”

Coco Crisp is slated to hold the butterfly catcher.

Rangers Make Andrus “Available”

Coming off a disappointing 2014 season that saw Elvis Andrus produce career lows in batting average and total swoons produced, the Rangers are planning to situate the 25-year-old shortstop in a series of suggestive, midriff-baring poses at area singles bars following his intensive offseason abs regimen. “Talk about a six-pack,” said GM Jon Daniels, almost surely. “Let me tell you: After a few seconds of looking at those abs, you’ll need a designated driver!”

First on the slate is the Reflections Club at the Admiral Hotel on Highway 360.

“The place has good lighting,” added Daniels, maybe. “Flattering.”

Dodgers, Angels Talk Blockbuster Deal

News from the entertainment capital is that the Dodgers and Angels are teaming to purchase the licensing and franchise rights to the erstwhile Blockbuster video stores. “Management believes that by putting team highlights on old Betamax and VHS tapes, they can appeal to an entirely new generation of old people,” said tipster I.P. Freely, from a rotary-dial phone at his Nana’s house. “Studies show that the MLB audience is skewing younger and toward the hip-hop crowd, and both franchises hope to put an end to that trend pronto. They also plan to sell ribbon candy at a select few stores.”

Yankees, Red Sox Discussing Trade

In talks that have gone deep into the night, the Yankees and Red Sox have at last reached agreement. “Perhaps incredibly, the rivals now both decry the protectionist philosophies that resulted in the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act of 1930,” informant Seymour Butz reported in a Facebook post, “and both advocate the free-trade policies that have highlighted recent economic theory. In fact, both teams vehemently oppose any stricture on the exercise of free trade, and plan to prove it this winter by signing a bunch of guys from other teams.”

BONUS BROKEN NEWS!

MLB Network Issues Jeter Decree

Despite the retirement of Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, MLB Network has ordered its on-air personalities to mention The Captain’s name at least once per hour, every hour, every day. “Find a way,” reads the internal memo, obtained during a Watergate-style burglary of the network’s home office in one of Jeter’s 35,000-square-foot (excluding cabana) homes. “Even if you have to dub ‘Derek Jeter’ when someone says ‘Dara Cheddar’ – she’s the local sculptor whose medium is mild Wisconsin white – just do it, lest the world go spinning off its axis.”

ESPN Issues Jeter Decree

Despite the retirement of Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, ESPN has ordered its on-air personalities to mention The Captain’s name at least twice per hour, every hour, every day. “Make it happen,” reads the internal memo, obtained during a Watergate-style burglary of the network’s satellite office in one of Jeter’s 35,000-square-foot (excluding guest house) homes. “We need to fill airtime during those scant few moments when we aren’t interviewing LeBron’s headband or carrying the water for the U. of Alabama. Roll Tide!”

EBNS Issues ESPN-Like Jeter Decree

The news service has just put the scheme into practice.


John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
8 Comments
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Jim S.
9 years ago

I am reasonably certain that is not a photo of Scherzer.

Paul Swydanmember
9 years ago
Reply to  Jim S.

I’ll be honest – now that you mention it, I can’t be certain either way. So, just to be on the safe side, I switched it to a pic where you can see his uniform. Thanks for the comment!

#keepnotgraphs
9 years ago

“John, who has also written under the pseudonym “Azure Texan,” writes for both The Hardball Times and NotGraphs.”

Lies!

John Paschal
9 years ago
Reply to  #keepnotgraphs

I prefer to think of NotGraphs the way Augustine thought of time, abiding in a divine eternity and thus in a “never-ending present.” And so you see: Based on a liberal interpretation of Augustinian logic, I still write for NotGraphs. I would also say that NotGraphs still and always abides within us all, but c’mon, that sounds pretty corny.

blake
9 years ago
Reply to  #keepnotgraphs

fucking u all talk man

John Paschal
9 years ago
Reply to  blake

What?

Jason
9 years ago

As great as that last exchange was, I can’t stop myself from adding (since by the time you read this it’ll be too late) that a whole new generation of old people (which includes me) thought this was hilarious.