The Screwball: Comedy Is in the (Baseball) Cards 2

Hey, discerning baseball fan! How about another pop quiz?

Oscar Azocar:
A) is planning to bring a glove to next year’s prom.
B) enjoys the soothing lullabies produced by native ash.
C) is fond of the phone he got for subscribing to Sports Illustrated.
D) is thinking, “More like Azucar, am I right?”

Mickey Hatcher:
A) once reached for a pop-up and came back with a traffic copter.
B) prefers to lease his glove as a single-family unit.
C) suffers from carpal Holland Tunnel syndrome.
D) enjoys taunting Bill Buckner.

Bill Buckner:
A) is truly a victim of circumstance.
B) is too busy fielding his position to think about symbolism.
C) isn’t aware that the tarp spindle is nicknamed “Mookie.”
D) is truly a victim of circumstance.

Doug Drabek:
A) often moonlights as long-handled mop.
B) has been using the wrong conditioner.
C) hopes that someday his scalp will become an American League pennant.
D) is actually Phyllis Diller.

Rex Hudler:
A) is among the least popular dancers at Scorezzz Gentlemen’s Club.
B) knows he falls in love too quickly.
C) will do whatever it takes to get to the top.
D) has always wanted to be a fireman, especially a deranged one.

Randy Johnson:
A) is among the most popular dancers at Scorezzz Gentlemen’s Club.
B) feels pretty, oh, so pretty.
C) owns a company called Big Unit Pole Erection, Inc.
D) has always wanted to be a fireman, especially a giddy one.

Keith Comstock:
A) is determined to earn a spot in the Vienna Boys Choir.
B) is an especially devoted seamhead.
C) is partial to primitive forms of contraception.
D) has just learned of the pimple emerging from his groin.

Lowell Palmer:
A) has Georgia on his mind, for sure.
B) will never face Corey Hart, sadly.
C) often takes secret naps between pitches.
D) thinks you can’t see him.

Jeff Reed:
A) is treating his stomach ulcer with one dose of chest protector.
B) always thinks “safety first” during Civil War reenactments.
C) has a unique way of singing The Star-Spangled Banner.
D) hates these sandpaper walls.

Bob Hamelin:
A) is Bob Hamelin.
B) will not stand for identity theft, because he is Bob Hamelin.
C) also writes his name on his underwear, in case he forgets he’s Bob Hamelin.
D) is still Bob Hamelin.

Joe Pettini:
A) has grown tired of being Father Guido Sarducci.
B) has sparked several fires with his eyeglass lenses.
C) just learned that his surname in Italian means “scallops.”
D) has a bad feeling he’ll hit .069 this season.

Will Clark:
A) enjoys wearing ill-fitting caps on plush green lawns.
B) is sporting a fake mustache composed entirely of dog fur.
C) is sporting a fake dog composed entirely of mustache hair.
D) is happy to pose, but wonders why the card doesn’t feature his dog’s name.

Glenn Hubbard:
A) named his python Monty, probably.
B) named his boa Larry, for sure.
C) is giving what he calls “110 serpent!”
D) will take about three weeks to fully digest.

Brian Jordan:
A) has always had trouble hitting the out route.
B) once got penalized for roughing the pitcher.
C) leads the league in intentional grounding out.
D) is about to line softly to the free safety.

Mark DeRosa:
A) is surprised that Brian Jordan’s liner took nearly two decades to reach him.
B) once called for a fair catch on a routine pop-up.
C) is leading the American League in interceptions.
D) is leading the Canadian Football League in fielding percentage.

Michael Tucker:
A) is not entirely proud of being the Fastest Gun in the Central.
B) enjoys shootouts at the No K Corral.
C) is using what he calls a “nail gun.”
D) is pretty embarrassed, probably.

Kirt Manwaring:
A) is wearing a man, coincidentally.
B) is having problems with this sporting-goods salesman.
C) is ranked third in the Bobby Del Greco-Roman Wrestling Federation.
D) insists that Goodfellas deserved the Oscar, and will fight anyone who says differently.

Ugueth Urbina:
A) has a cannon for an armrest.
B) prefers to work in short relief.
C) is being featured in Terrible Photography Monthly.
D) insists that JFK deserved the Oscar, and will shoot anyone who says differently.

Cliff Lee:
A) enjoys pitching in Timothy Leary’s residual hallucinations.
B) is aware of the Champale supernova in the sky.
C) is about to tumble into a wormhole made entirely of breast cancer awareness.
D) is signaling to Ruben Amaro Jr. something about a pink slip.

Mike Perez:
A) expects to regress, infinitely.
B) never tires of signing autographs, which in this case is helpful.
C) can feel the giant thumb (not pictured) on his back.
D) has a great idea for a Charlie Kaufman movie.

Doug Bird:
A) pronounces his last name “Beard.”
B) pronounces his first name “Da Ug.”
C) pronounces his middle name “Lee.”
D) pronounces his full name “Da Ug Lee Beard.”

Bobby Valentine:
A) is pondering the implications of the recent Tbilisi Demonstrations.
B) likes to compose solemn free-verse while posing for photographs.
C) is not altogether confident of his plan for “Valentine’s cards.”
D) is beginning to formulate his philosophy on fake mustaches.

Kevin Mitchell:
A) is entering the storm cellar just as the twister hits.
B) thinks the fire started near the mound, though catcher Mike Fitzgerald disagrees.
C) just gained three yards for Coach Woody Hayes.
D) thinks the fog machine at this Bon Jovi show is a bit much.

Pete Rose:
A) is pretending not to notice a teammate’s wooden leg.
B) has grown weary of giant chopsticks in the dugout.
C) is unaware of the photographer’s grotesque fingernail.
D) is thinking double or nothing.

Jay Loviglio, Reggie Patterson and Leo Sutherland:
A) are beginning to see their windows close.
B) have each chosen a direction other than forward.
C) are about to see the writing on a nearby wall.
D) will eventually form a constellation called Flopus Major.

Ruben Sierra:
A) is competing in third annual Swing A Giant Spliff Contest.
B) is batting cleanup for the Cheech & Chong All-Stars.
C) is pondering the nickname High Sierra
D) will probably have to arrest himself.

Mario Mendoza:
A) is known not only as Manos de Seda but also as Ojos de Quatro.
B) declined to wear around-the-horn-rim glasses.
C) is staring intently at the Mendoza Line of the eye chart.
D) needs a new prescription just to see his hits total.

Greg Minton:
A) also needs a new prescription to see Mario Mendoza’s hits total.
B) is wearing a cap whose logo stands for “Science Fair.”
C) is often referred to as a Giant dweeb.
D) will consider contact lenses, sure, but only weak-contact lenses.

Warren Brusstar:
A) is the No. 3 reliever on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List.
B) was voted Most Likely To Live In A Cabin In The Woods.
C) eats Topps photographers for breakfast, and also for lunch.
D) is gonna need a bigger cap.

Bud Harrelson:
A) is known as the Unabunter.
B) is not on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List, but probably should be.
C) is about to slap-hit the photographer.
D) dares you to say his batting glove is on the wrong hand.

Julio Cruz:
A) is easily amused by netting, and always has been.
B) is laughing at the nickname Julio “Four-Day, Three-Night” Cruz.
C) giggles whenever he smells anyone’s left armpit, including his own.
D) is still thinking about last night’s episode of Diff’rent Strokes.

Jose Canseco:
A) dreams of someday becoming a best-selling author.
B) is pondering the advantages of the omniscient voice.
C) is also considering the epistolary voice.
D) is pleased, he wrote, that he “topps all star rookies.”

Carlos Hernandez:
A) is not accustomed to seeing UFOs during daylight hours.
B) sometimes wonders if he’s the other Carlos Hernandez.
C) is just now initiating his provocative mask-first striptease.
D) thinks that if he tries hard enough, he can produce a thought bubble.

Curt Schilling:
A) did produce a thought bubble, this one low and rectangular.
B) likes to get out front of his image.
C) is demonstrating Upper Deck’s new picture-in-picture technology.
D) refers to his portrait as Schill Life with Dapples.

Jim Roland:
A) just told the one about “the priest and the RBI” walking into a bar.
B) likes doing what he calls a “brim shot.”
C) is in position for a “punch line drive.”
D) likes to keep ’em “Roland in the aisles.”

Steve Foster:
A) always smiles when pierced by an incandescent javelin.
B) is not afraid of even the largest hypodermic needle.
C) is skilled at emitting contrails from his neck.
D) is often made giddy by flash photography.

Jake Peavy:
A) is taking the bait in front of the trawl net.
B) is demonstrating to the TSA his groin-specific metal detector.
C) previously glued ball to bat, strictly for appearance’s sake.
D) is bunting, contrary to etiquette, in the late stages of the BP pitcher’s no-hitter.

Brent Mayne:
A) is demonstrating his extraordinary capacity for bioluminescence.
B) is mesmerized by the glow of a rare infield campfire.
C) can never find his catcher’s mask when it’s dark outside.
D) works only with photographers from Eddie Gaedel Studios.

Tim Worrell:
A) knows exactly where the sky is located, and is happy to prove it.
B) says, “The wind is definitely blowing.”
C) has never been good at that John Travolta dance.
D) is asking Zephyrus, god of the west wind, to pull his finger.

Steve Lake:
A) says, “Avian flu, shmavian flu.”
B) thinks Tippi Hedren is a sissy.
C) wants a cracker, for some reason.
D) other.