The Screwball: Comedy is in the (Baseball) Cards 4

So, you want another pop quiz, eh? You’ve got it, discerning baseball fan.

Billy Martin:
A) is known as California’s most cheerful hitchhiker.
B) is hoping to get a ride to the A’s game, because he is already dressed for it.
C) is giving his personal endorsement of the name Shooty Babitt.
D) has just mistaken Rob Picciolo for Arthur Fonzarelli.

Jay Bruce:
A) is just really excited to show off his new haircut.
B) is the lead singer for Jay and the Joyous Yet Disorganized Backups.
C) is, like his teammates, wearing the new Tickle Me Elmo Jersey.
D) just had a really, really good batting practice.

Magglio Ordonez:
A) is pleased with his approach shot from a difficult lie.
B) is the first to greet the happy couple after their Tigers-themed wedding.
C) has just discovered a new way to get a cat from a tree.
D) is leading the league in intentional sidewalks.

Ron Hunt:
A) is wondering why he plays for the Dodgers in a Mets jersey.
B) is also wondering why there’s a salvage yard behind him.
C) is wearing what he calls a “partial neck condom.”
D) is beginning to show the effects of all those hit by pitches.

Mark Lemongello:
A) often enters a state of hypnosis when he glances to his left.
B) is experimenting with Chia Scalp.
C) is too mesmerized by an Astros jersey to realize his name is misspelled.
D) is also marketing oronge Jell-O, vonilla Jell-O and locorice Jell-O.

Andre Ethier:
A) hasn’t looked at his glove like this in years.
B) is so happy he booked this weekend getaway.
C) is going to be a better man from now on – more loving, more present.
D) is picturing his glove in a nurse’s uniform.

Oscar Gamble:
A) really needs to trim his ear hair.
B) can remove grout and limescale with either side of his head.
C) is marketing a new line of earmuffs.
D) knows the only way to get a cap on his head is to airbrush it on.

Jerry Sands:
A) just found a hand to replace the one he’s missing.
B) is taking a course in palm speedreading.
C) thinks these new toll gates are ridiculous.
D) won’t fall for the hand-buzzer this time, pal.

Mickey Rivers:
A) isn’t sure how to catch the incoming Cessna.
B) is a student of 1950s-style overacting.
C) is terrible at shooting free throws.
D) is the latest to see an angel – an actual angel – in the outfield.

Brett Wallace:
A) learned how to pitch by watching the fishmongers at Pike Place Market.
B) wears a watch while pitching because it’s better than wearing a sundial.
C) is not the league leader in LOB, but is the league leader in lob.
D) will be moved to first base soon, because he allows way too many hits.

Tommy Boggs:
A) says, “Don’t look back, the palm tree might be gaining on you.”
B) is cultivating a palm nursery on his spine.
C) has been less successful cultivating a spine nursery on his palm.
D) is one of the few pitchers to be backed by yogis, plural.

Jim Tracy:
A) sees a palm tree gaining on him, actually.
B) is literally asking, “Are you talking to me?”
C) has adhered to the team’s new regimen for neck flexibility.
D) still thinks batting helmets should have side mirrors.

Mike Marshall:
A) agrees that he should pitch effectively to the next batter.
B) is saying, “What weird sideburns?”
C) is practicing for uncomfortable moments in crowded elevators.
D) is hoping he doesn’t vomit in his 107th game.

Ronnie Belliard:
A) just came up with the idea for Ball In A Cup.
B) thinks condors shouldn’t lay eggs in midair, but will help however he can.
C) is getting pretty tired of these bad-hop grounders.
D) will never again play catch with Steve Blass.

Earl Weaver:
A) can confirm that the neon lights really are bright on Broadway.
B) is witnessing the launch of NASA’s Boog Rocket.
C) just spotted the world’s largest firefly.
D) is gazing at pitcher Eddie Watt.

Mike Piazza:
A) is finding it hard to throw to second base due to the giant face.
B) denies taking anabolic head steroids.
C) is screaming, “You maniacs! You blew it up!”
D) has employed a tiny catcher to pick the spinach from his teeth.

Chris O’Riordan:
A) will storm the castle wall, but only after moving the runner to second.
B) is aware the catcher is just a shadow of himself.
C) will discourage the runner at third from trying to score on a passed ball.
D) dares you to pronounce his name, especially while drinking Scotch.

Bill Pecota:
A) is providing hope to young players everywhere.
B) hates it when they pull the string on the ball-shaped piñata.
C) is spelling out the “P” in PECOTA.
D) is gonna need a bigger bat.

Bob Veale:
A) has an unfortunate habit of punching cameras.
B) is planning to give his letter jacket to his best girl.
C) is warming up near history’s best-ventilated airplane hangar.
D) is hoping to play long enough for a Veale-Pecota matchup.

Lee Tunnell:
A) got a free bowl of soup with that cap.
B) was served free soup in that cap (and a BLT on that glove).
C) thinks the horizontal stripes will make him look less extremely skinny.
D) once loaned his lenses to the Chacaltaya Astrophysical Observatory.

Kyle Peterson:
A) sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
B) sees the light at the end of the tunnel, and is reflecting on it.
C) realizes, upon reflection, that the light is coming from Lee Tunnell.
D) is the team leader in terrible baseball cards.

John Anderson:
A) is trying to get a signal on his ham radio.
B) just revealed the trapdoor to his brain.
C) has a great idea for the DeLorean doors.
D) knows there’s something about Mary.

Von Hayes:
A) isn’t twistin’ the night away, but is twistin’ the day away.
B) is the guy who wore the Bigfoot suit, definitely.
C) is performing for judges (seated) in the Left Side Of The Body Pageant.
D) goes to the plate with dishwashing gloves.

Charlie Hough:
A) is about to throw a knuckleball at a foggy windshield.
B) is a rarity in that he is a fully formed adult in embryogenesis.
C) is the subject of Gilligan’s most futuristic dream.
D) is giving the young Wayne Coyne a pretty cool idea.

Gene Brabender:
A) is bending a bra … with his mind.
B) is upset the bra will bend but won’t break.
C) is wearing an actual, bona fide, genuine airbrushed cap.
D) has donned protective eyewear to block the dripping paint.

Harmon Killebrew:
A) just realized he forgot to remove his uniform while showering.
B) also just realized he forgot to remove his cap while shampooing.
C) also just realized it doesn’t really matter, because he’s bald.
D) is watching the weekly cockroach race.

Bo Jackson:
A) is wondering if anyone noticed that he pulled his own finger.
B) hopes the wind is blowing to his left.
C) will probably blame it on the ghost of Toots Shultz.
D) is trying to generate more offensive output.

Greg Maddux:
A) is not pleased with these new Dodgers pinstripes.
B) is pretty sure that’s Cubbie blue, not Dodger blue, in the background.
C) wants to remind you that once a Cub, always a Cub.
D) is tired of standing still for all this Photoshopping.

Yogi Berra:
A) is saying, “Thank you for making this joke necessary.”
B) is saying, “It ain’t clever till it’s clever.”
C) is saying, “You can laugh a lot by laughing.”
D) is saying, “I’m with the Astros?”

Dave LaPoint:
A) just learned how to throw a baseball.
B) is actually right-handed.
C) hopes his fastball is clocked at upward of 46 mph.
D) has never won a stuffed animal at the state fair.

Dick Woodson:
A) can’t help but laugh at the name George Mitterwald.
B) can’t help but laugh at the name Bucky Guth.
C) can’t help but laugh, come to think of it, at the name Dick Woodson.
D) is thinking about last night’s episode of The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour.

Deion Sanders:
A) is taking a running lead from the 20-yard line.
B) is hoping to return this interception for six runs.
C) is serving as his own lead blocker while also trying to tag himself out.
D) is Prime Times 4, basically.

Jim Beauchamp:
A) is waking from hibernation, which takes place in an opium den.
B) has continued his efforts to perfect the stink eye.
C) is pretty sure the photographer stole his per diem.
D) is pondering an altogether different Jim Beauchamp baseball card.

Josh Fields:
A) always leaves empty seats in his wake.
B) is hoping to escape the frame of a 1940s film noir.
C) has been balanced like this for 12 minutes, and it’s amazing.
D) is a firm believer that people should wear protective headgear in mugshots.

Rusty Staub:
A) is dreaming of a refreshing Coca-Cola, for some reason.
B) would settle for Le Grand Orange Nehi, for sure.
C) always faces sideways upon entering the thousand-yard stare.
D) is watching the Mets’ matinee production of Les Miserables.

Rudy Law:
A) is announcing that his favorite part of binary code is the 1, not the 0.
B) is announcing that his favorite movie is Ocean’s 11.
C) is announcing that he wishes they had made Eleven Angry Men.
D) is announcing that he enjoys the equals sign, but only when it’s slanted.

Hoyt Wilhelm:
A) hopes you don’t notice the humans emerging from his ear.
B) is about to win the Awkward Applause Contest.
C) is the staff ace of the local high-school team, obviously.
D) is, in all seriousness, 18 years older than his jersey number.

Tom House:
A) could have sworn they said “hairbrush.”
B) once wore a Braves cap created entirely by Magic Markers.
C) hasn’t seen a red this non-red since the Reds’ 1919 team photo.
D) wonders why the Bosox couldn’t get a house from somewhere closer.

Mark Teixeira:
A) is the leading hitter in the Aquarium League.
B) is such a good hitter, they named the stadium The Teixeiraquarium.
C) is confident that they’ll shorten it to The Teixeirium.
D) will consent to being lifted for a pH, but only one with good balance.

Rick Dempsey:
A) is sure he forgot something, but for the life of him can’t think of what it is.
B) sometimes forgets to wear safety goggles while mowing the lawn, so…
C) doesn’t know why the ump is whispering stock tips in his ear, but oh well.
D) other.