The Screwball: Comedy is in the (Baseball) Cards 7

Brian Downing is ready for a night out on the town.

Brian Downing is ready for a night out on the town.

Waiting for a pop quiz? Wait no longer.

Villanueva

Hector Villanueva:
A) is ready for his close-up, Mr. DeMille.
B) suffers an irrational fear of portrait photographers.
C) will visit the dentist, yes, but only on his terms.
D) prefers liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Kranepool Cap

Ed Kranepool:
A) is telling teammates, “This is where my cap would be if I were taller.”
B) is participating in the team’s pregame doffing drills.
C) is asking, “Is my hairline still receding?”
D) is teaching a class called How To Stay Slightly Cooler On Hot Summer Days.

Derek Norris

Derek Norris:
A) is telling Andrew Cashner the beach is “that way.”
B) forgot his “I’m With Stupid” T-shirt, so he must act it out.
C) prefers to direct traffic in catcher’s gear, for safety purposes.
D) is giving the fastball sign to the batboy, for some reason.

Viola Apple

Frank Viola:
A) is illustrating the irony that Eve, biblical temptress, had a mustache.
B) is keeping the doctor away by throwing an apple at her head.
C) has opted against the palm ball in favor of the pomaceous ball.
D) has joined a folk trio called The Black Turtlenecks.

Nolan Ryan Football

Nolan Ryan:
A) is throwing his famous one-lace fastball.
B) realizes, of course, that the batter is in zone coverage.
C) is hoping to throw one more pitch before being lifted for a relief punter.
D) is happy, all things considered, that he doesn’t play for a running team.

Dan Schneider

Dan Schneider:
A) is mispronouncing the name “Staub.”
B) is calling Bewitched “oodles of loony, goofy amusement!”
C) is answering “two” upon being asked how many lifetime wins he’ll post.
D) is in stage three of an Everlasting Gobstopper.

Stan Wall Hair

Stan Wall:
A) is reaching for a pair of Foghat tickets.
B) is teaching Don Sutton how to finish an air guitar solo.
C) is preparing to fly his freak flag low.
D) is showing Tommy John what people look like after Stan Wall surgery.

Aaron Boone Glove

Aaron Boone:
A) is conducting a seance in efforts to find his long-lost glove.
B) insists that this is his “real hair.”
C) has found a way to prevent his cap from escaping.
D) is known as a heady third baseman.

Gary Sutherland

Gary Sutherland:
A) is starring in Montreal Civic Theatre’s Planet of the Canadian Apes.
B) is telling teammates, “See, you lift with the legs.”
C) is demonstrating how the pioneers used to “**** in the woods.”
D) is shouting, “… gimme a lower-case ‘o’! What’s that spell? Expo!”

Sandberg Rhino

Ryne Sandberg:
A) is taking it around the horn, obviously.
B) is ready for the ghost of Hippo Vaughn, clearly.
C) is known for his big game, for sure.
D) is starring in Indiana Jones and the Last Rhino Skull of Doom.

Bob Aspromonte

Bob Aspromonte:
A) thinks window washers are positively marvelous.
B) never thought he’d see Jerry Grote on stilts.
C) can’t believe the jetpack actually works!
D) is looking at Buzz Capra’s ERA.

McDowell

Roger McDowell:
A) is an electrocution hazard, clearly.
B) is an avid supporter of the San Diego Chargers.
C) is on board with the team’s new electrotherapy protocols.
D) couldn’t find his gas-powered contact lenses.

Vlad

Vladimir Guerrero:
A) is pointing at nine angels in jerseys that read, “Men.”
B) is telling a Boeing 737 to “pipe down, I’m trying to play baseball!”
C) has determined the directionality of the winds of change.
D) has always wanted to touch the top of a baseball card.

A Hardball Times Update
Goodbye for now.
Rasmussen Look

Eric Rasmussen:
A) feels the winds of change and doesn’t like them.
B) doesn’t trust “photographers” and their newfangled “lenses.”
C) is suspicious of day games in general.
D) thought no one would recognize him with this mustache, but he was wrong.

Dave Baldwin Hair

Dave Baldwin:
A) is unaware that a small rodent is asleep on his head.
B) is a member of the Topknothole Gang.
C) is marketing a hair-care product called Yeah, Don’t Buy This Product.
D) needed more capacity for his brain and developed off-site storage.

Johnny Jeter

Johnny Jeter:
A) is a member of Gladys Night and the Extremely Tall Pips.
B) prefers singing the blues, but will also do folk and doo-wop.
C) is a finalist in season one of American League Idol.
D) is pioneering the short-film genre of “man hit in groin by football.”

Picciolo Look

Rob Picciolo:
A) is saying, “Sadat and Begin signed a peace treaty?”
B) is saying, “McDonald’s is serving Happy Meals?”
C) is saying, “C-SPAN is televising government affairs?”
D) is saying, “I’m in the starting lineup?”

Cone Field Goal

David Cone:
A) is trying to protect a three-run lead.
B) hopes to remain on the Mets roster however he can, even with special-teams play.
C) wishes people would stop kicking field goals during Superman practice.
D) is leaping on a leather grenade to protect teammates John Franco and Jeff Innis.

Felipe Alou

Felipe Alou:
A) derives a great deal of joy by inhaling through his nose.
B) is happily complying with the team’s pregame booger check.
C) is pleased to report that there is no acid rain in sight.
D) is keeping his chin up — way up — after a dreadful 0-for-5.

Grimsley Hair

Ross Grimsley:
A) is enjoying his time with the Electric Light Orchestra.
B) is excited for his annual shearing.
C) has found a way to keep the aliens from reading his mind.
D) got his styling tips from the back of a 1970s Good Times van.

Trout Smiling

Mike Trout:
A) is just happy he’s Mike Trout, adding, “Wouldn’t you be?”
B) is just happy he’s not Sidney Ponson, for example.
C) is just happy that Downton Abbey got renewed for another season.
D) is a six-tool player, the sixth tool being the ability to levitate.

Dick Williams Cap

Dick Williams:
A) is an early advocate of extremely green politics.
B) is wearing a cap made entirely of the bioluminescent fungi Mycena lucentipes.
C) is serving, as part of Oakland’s strict public-works budget, as a traffic signal.
D) just wants people to find him if the lights go out, that’s all.

Jesse Jefferson

Jesse Jefferson:
A) is running from a powerful temblor during the filming of Deathquake.
B) is running anchor on the All-Awkward 4×400 Relay Team.
C) is taking part in the annual Running of the Invisi-Bulls.
D) is teaching a class called Completely Unhelpful Yoga.

Canseco Shirtless

Jose Canseco:
A) has always idolized Chippendale Murphy.
B) also admires “Shirtless Joe Jackson, I think his name was.”
C) is, in defiance of Billy Beane’s edict, selling jeans.
D) is hoping to pec away at the lead, for sure.

Dick Bosman Leg Up

Dick Bosman:
A) just tied the game with a 20-yard field goal.
B) is performing the Haka, though without permission from the Maori.
C) is in the “skip” portion of the triple jump.
D) is enjoying the do-si-do during a spirited Texas hootenanny.

Bob Reynolds

Bob Reynolds:
A) is saying, “… and just a pinch of white pepper.”
B) is showing people where his pet falcon once perched.
C) is an advocate of fist bumps for preschoolers.
D) is training a cocker spaniel (not pictured) to sit on Bobby Grich (also not pictured).

Arrigo Glove

Gerry Arrigo:
A) deployed his glove as a snow plow during the Blizzard of ’63
B) is using his glove as a home for a colony of tufted puffins.
C) appealed to the Planning Commission to get his glove zoned for commercial use.
D) is the unwitting muse for the future Mickey Hatcher.

Bagwell

Jeff Bagwell:
A) has emerged unscathed from the annual Ketchup And Wasabi Fight.
B) says, “I’m blood-spatter expert, not a Lime Slurpee-spatter expert.”
C) just realized that Linda Blair has added tomato soup to her arsenal.
D) is posing for an artist named Packson Jollock, no doubt about it.

Cesar Cedeno Look Back

Cesar Cedeño:
A) can’t believe it, but yep … that’s dog poo.
B) is disappointed that Roger Metzger left a pool of vomit.
C) thinks Monsanto should grow its experimental crops elsewhere.
D) is thinking, “Hmmm, I’ve never noticed this garden gnome.”

Hartenstein

Chuck Hartenstein:
A) is the No. 1 beer distributor in the tri-county area.
B) found the hat and glasses at a local yard sale.
C) is ready for a day of fishing and telling tall tales of his football days.
D) is the clean-up hitter — .688 avg., 84 HRs — on a local softball team.

Andre Dawson

Andre Dawson:
A) needs kindling, and this was all he could think of.
B) has come to the conclusion that baseball bats are just way too long.
C) is Chicago’s leading distributor of organic shrapnel.
D) has finally gotten his big break.

Breazeale Glasses

Jim Breazeale:
A) says “safety first!” when conducting lab experiments.
B) is about to edge the lawn.
C) is hoping for his first 20/20 season.
D) would settle for a 10/20 season, or even a 5/20.

Curt Motton

Curt Motton:
A) is terrified of things that are “over there.”
B) fears the return of whoever painted the cap on his head.
C) poses only on the condition that the guy behind him is unidentifiable.
D) once changed his name to Cort Mutton but realized the joke was baaaaad.

Downing Hair

Brian Downing:
A) has been genetically modified to grow floppy dog ears.
B) is wearing an area rug.
C) is hoping to make the cover of Teen Beat.
D) has long been envious of teammate Oscar Gamble.

Vicente Romo Bump

Vicente Romo:
A) is playing Bach’s Little Prelude in C Major on an invisible harpsichord.
B) is trying to reason with the grizzly but is prepared for attack.
C) is showing Yaz how to turn up the volume and change the station.
D) is in bump-and-run coverage, no doubt.

Mitterwald Cry

George Mitterwald:
A) is weeping openly about the Cubs’ chances this year.
B) always sheds a tear when listening to Cats in the Cradle.
C) has grown lachrymose because nothing rhymes with “Mitterwald.”
D) is giving Manny Trillo the sign for “wanna go see a movie?”

Neibauer

Gary Neibauer:
A) is committing a breach of golf etiquette by moving during the putt.
B) doesn’t care to assist in the metal-detector search for a lost wedding ring.
C) still refuses to help the yard guy.
D) is actually reaching for the hedge trimmers, man — have a little faith!

Seaver Bend

Tom Seaver:
A) is imitating the gait of Mickey Rivers.
B) is providing the “S” during a cheer of “M-E-T-S Mets!”
C) is enjoying a game of leapfrog with Ed Kranepool (not pictured).
D) thinks they should just make the card taller.

Speier Eephus

Chris Speier:
A) is felling a redwood during the annual Lumberjack Championship.
B) just pushed his approach shot on the par-4 eighth.
C) is executing a trick shot with an unsanctioned pool cue.
D) is about to swing for a second time at this remarkable eephus pitch.

Sandy Alomar

Sandy Alomar:
A) is the top instructor at the Gaedel School of Hitting.
B) thinks Take Your Child To Work Day has gone too far.
C) hopes it’s a fastball; his son is overdue for a nap.
D) other.


John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
27 Comments
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87 Cards
7 years ago

Eric Rasmussen changed his first name from his birth name of Harry about 1976. His appearance on the pictured ’79 Topps still suggests “Harry”.

I was playing Little League Baseball about the time I heard the telling of Rasmussen’s name tale on a broadcast of Monday Night Baseball. This was the first moment in my life that I realized a legal tool existed to change one’s birth name. So, I went by Nolan Ryan for a day but it did not put any hop on my fastball so I went back to my birth name of 87 Cards.

Brian
7 years ago
Reply to  87 Cards

It’s those little things you remember as a kid, funny.

Brian Downing
7 years ago

Country roaaaaaads
Take me hooooooome
To the plaaaaaaace
I belonnnnnng………

Walter
7 years ago

I never get tired of these – keep up the good work 🙂

Carl
7 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

John,

Only two? Noooooooooooooo. Do you need more cards?

Charlie Hangley
7 years ago

Jim Breazeale: the first hipster.

Carl
7 years ago

Jose Canseco – This is why Chicks dig the long ball.

Ryne Sandberg – At least I’m not as horny as some of my teammates.

Carl
7 years ago

Roger McDowell – I was Thor before Syndergaard.

David Cone – Hey Buffalo fans, we practice “Wide Right”.

Ross Grimsley – Let’s play some baseball, Mr. Kooooooooter.

Chuck Hartenstein – I get my glasses from Catwoman.

Dennis Bedard
7 years ago

Derek Norris; “You ask me if I am Chuck Norris’ brother one more time, i am going to punch you in the nose.”

Buzz Capra
7 years ago

But it was only one bad inning!!!

Buzz Capra
7 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

Thank you, but Cubs utilityman Jimmy Stewart deserves the credit for making the film work. We all knew he was versatile, but who could have expected that he would handle a lead role so well?

To avoid confusion, Clarence was indeed portrayed by Henry Travers. If southpaw Bill Travers had been in the role, Clarence would not have been an Angel. Instead, he would have been a Brewer.

Not Buzz Capra This Time
7 years ago

More seriously, I join with others in thank you for this entertaining series. I suspect that for many of us, there are far too many truly creative and funny comments in each of your entries for us to be able to single out just one or a few as particularly inspired.

And for some of us, the unexpected references to less-remembered players like, say, Jesse Jefferson, are fun. Particularly as you often go the extra step of making them accurate to the player and his era, such as Rob Picciolo, during the Sadat-Begin Peace Talks Era, appearing surprised that he would ever be in a staring line-up.

Chris D.
7 years ago

The Gaedel hitting school. Did you get that?

Eric
7 years ago

Only 2 more? You tell THT: THAT is REALLY screwball!

Tabasco Jim
7 years ago

Thanks for all the memories and laughs.