The Screwball: Comedy is in the (Baseball) Cards 8

Is it time again for a quiz? Yep, it’s time again for a quiz.

George Brett:
A) is visiting the Kansas City Egg Donor Society.
B) is having that dream again, the one about the Anti-Cyclops.
C) is still not seeing the ball well.
D) is saying, “I’m gonna need a bigger pen.”

Aurelio Monteagudo:
A) is the starting pitcher for the Smelting Plant All-Stars.
B) has always liked to pitch during horrific dust storms.
C) is about to deliver a full-count fastball in Industrial Age London.
D) was unaware that the forecast called for a horrible backdrop.

R.A. Dickey:
A) is saying, “This is probably the worst toga I’ve ever worn.”
B) is extolling the many uses of the versatile towel.
C) is saying, “Have you noticed I’m slightly taller than you?”
D) is among the few big leaguers who fist bump forearms.

Dean Chance:
A) recently joined the Tight Underwear Caucus.
B) never thought he’d see it, but there it is: an ad for hemorrhoid cream.
C) always believed the invasion would happen at night.
D) forgot to wear his patented Anti-Hypnosis Cap.

Sonny Jackson:
A) just wants his refund from Sexy Eyeglasses, Inc.
B) has always been afraid of eye charts.
C) is defending himself from the notorious Killer Optometrist.
D) is participating in an event called Bunting For Contacts!

Ron Santo:
A) thinks it might be a bird or even be a plane, but no way is it Superman.
B) is watching a seed-spitting contest between Ernie Banks and Dick Nen.
C) just witnessed the launch of the Kessinger 1.
D) is trying to catch one of Joe Niekro’s early, experimental knuckleballs.

Steve Finley:
A) is trying to close his Gary Carter-shaped suitcase.
B) thinks his new mattress is “a bit lumpy.”
C) is delivering a Beatles-inspired wrestling move called the “spinal cracker.”
D) is famed for his deep-tissue massage.

Cuno Barragan:
A) is using the cheapest home-security system he could find.
B) is playing catch with his mom in the living room.
C) is checking out all the fun stuff at a neighbor’s yard sale.
D) doesn’t quite understand the dunking booth.

Roger McDowell:
A) is ready, with help from Mr. Miyagi, for the fighters from Cobra Kai.
B) is marketing a product called Super-Deluxe Forehead Sunblock.
C) is prepared, though not necessarily excited, to “get physical.”
D) plans to get a second free sample by wearing this disguise.

Sammy Taylor:
A) is playing the lead role in Quasimodo Goes to Spring Training!
B) is serving as the “before” photo at Dr. Backnificent’s Chiropractic Spa.
C) is currently in last place in the Solo Merengue Dance-Off.
D) doesn’t quite grasp the rudiments of pitch framing.

Rey Sanchez:
A) is entertaining minimum-security prisoners with a fancy card trick.
B) has nothing up his sleeve because it’s already in his hand.
C) is known as the Great — Well, Good — Sanchezini.
D) just bought this Rey Sanchez card “for only $14.95!”

Larry Demery:
A) is watching Mario Mendoza take batting practice.
B) is wondering if Kent Tekulve is trying to look like that.
C) is waiting to see if Richie Zisk takes the last piece of Double Bubble.
D) is wondering why anyone — anyone at all — would be named Duffy Dyer.

Johnny Bench:
A) says, “You want breaking news? I’ll give you breaking news.”
B) says, “You want an inverted pyramid? I’ll invert your pyramid.”
C) says, “Extry! Extry! Red all about it!”
D) is glad it’s the ’70s; it’d hurt to push his face through a computer screen.

Mark Grace:
A) is suddenly curious about Newton’s theories on gravity.
B) can also make a bowling ball levitate, but must use both hands.
C) is demonstrating how it will look when a giant claw attacks the moon.
D) is ranked No. 3,798 in the Chicagoland Yo-Yo Federation.

Gus Bell:
A) is a big fan of the Wally Post Comedy Hour.
B) is totally on board with Vada Pinson’s pregame tickling ritual.
C) absolutely loves when Cal McLish does the Frying Bacon.
D) just heard that the ’60s will be a time of “flower power.”

Mike McCormick:
A) is putting his left hand in and, per protocol, shaking it all about.
B) is the first to say, “If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it.”
C) boasts a powerful left jab but is leaving himself open to the roundhouse.
D) won’t let you read his palm but will let you read his fist.

Brock Holt:
A) is a little teapot short and stout; here is his handle, here is his spout.
B) is shouting, “Guess how many jellybeans I have in my hand!”
C) is practicing for his offseason job as a Halloween traffic cop.
D) is signaling first doooooooown.

Mike Ivie:
A) is protesting the cheese-to-chips ratio of his ballpark nachos.
B) is complaining about the cancellation of The Six Million Dollar Man.
C) is screaming at the photographer, “C’mon, man, use fill flash!”
D) is grumbling that in San Diego, he can’t find a good bowl of cheese grits.

John Odom:
A) is awkwardly mounting an imaginary horse.
B) just delivered a two-seam fastball during a 3.2 earthquake.
C) is competing in the Oakland Karate Finals (Invisible Foe Division).
D) needs to find a new proctologist, probably.

Freddy Galvis:
A) is happy to have gotten this extremely cheap flight from JetBlue.
B) is the volleyball in a game of volleyball.
C) can’t believe people still say, “Hip, hip, hooray!”
D) is just really, really ticklish.

Claude Raymond
A) is hoping to get more zip (hi-yo!) on his fastball.
B) is ready to catch a fly (hi-yo!) ball.
C) was hoping to avoid a two-ball (hi-yo!) count.
D) is leading the league in WHIP (ba-dum-tiss) it out.

Leon Wagner:
A) is applauding Wilt Chamberlain for his performance in Erwartung.
B) is hoping for a handshake from the stilt walker at the Ohio State Fair.
C) likes to pretend Birdie Tebbetts is a “wee birdie in search of a nest.”
D) is hoping to catch space debris from the Telstar communications satellite.

Frank Bertaina:
A) is the first American Leaguer to receive a satellite signal via ballcap.
B) is known as Rampart Head.
C) is often turned upside down and used as a gardening trowel.
D) has been known to fly 50 feet during sudden wind gusts.

Gene Richards:
A) is the league leader in weak grounders to shortstop.
B) once broke his elbow while swinging at an inside fastball.
C) can do five pushups if you give him a few minutes.
D) is a big fan of slapstick.

Caleb Joseph:
A) is testing the Air Force’s new Low-Flying Joseph.
B) is the 367,251st alternate on the U.S. men’s gymnastics team.
C) is attempting history’s first inside-the-parkour home run.
D) is perhaps too obvious when giving signals to the pitcher.

Smoky Burgess:
A) is the leading hitter at the Whispering Willows Retirement Home.
B) is recalling his rookie year “back in aught-3, I believe it was.”
C) thinks those “moptops” should go back to England and “get real jobs.”
D) is wearing an onion on his belt, as was the style at some time or other.

Cliff Johnson:
A) is saying, “What do you mean, stripes make me look fat?”
B) is telling the catcher to stop singing Blinded by the Light.
C) is not pleased that the mask emits a blast of Chanel No. 5.
D) is angry because the catcher revealed the ending of Smokey and the Bandit.

Jim Dickson:
A) is the league leader in GIDP — grinning into double plays.
B) is the league leader in S/9 — smiles per nine innings.
C) is the league leader in intentional teeth.
D) is appearing in the talent portion of the Mr. KC Pageant.

Hunter Pence:
A) is terrible at catching snowflakes.
B) is a huge fan of Miley Cyrus.
C) is honoring his hero, Bill “Wagon Tongue” Keister.
D) thought this buffet would be a lot heartier.

Cliff Floyd:
A) is writing instructions on “how to exit the stadium.”
B) is known for his minimalist graffiti.
C) is scratching out the name “Grudzielanek” because it’s too hard to read.
D) is writing an IOU for “one free autograph.”

Don Hood:
A) is complaining, “I worked a long time on my hair, and he hit it!”
B) is planning to win the dance contest at the 2001 Odyssey disco.
C) is trying to talk Bobby C. down from the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge.
D) is looking forward to the 1983 sequel, Staying Alive.

Gaylord Perry:
A) is wearing a jacket made entirely of Vaseline.
B) is glancing at the biggest emery board he’s ever seen.
C) is using “the ol’ misdirection” while drilling a hole in the ball.
D) is scanning the field for umpires, that’s all.

Jim Essian:
A) is not pleased — “not pleased at all” — about this uniform.
B) is saying, “Call me ‘Hessian’ again and I will pound you with my cudgel!”
C) is still upset that John Williams won the Grammy for Jaws.
D) is also pretty ticked that Rocky beat Network for the Oscar.

Jose Reyes:
A) is enthusiastic about molar comparison.
B) has joined Angel Pagan in singing Islands in the Stream.
C) is in the quarterfinals of the 2011 Halitosis-Off.
D) is shouting, “We might finish fourth, but at least we won’t be traded!”

“Charlie” Keller:
A) is wearing a “cap.”
B) is a “baseball” player for “the” Yankees.
C) is a “teammate” of Spud “Chandler” and Tiny “Bonham.”

Jim Qualls:
A) is announcing his choice in the Pick A Favorite Schoendienst Contest.
B) is urging a young Mick Hucknall to start a British blue-eyed soul band.
C) is offering his cap space to the highest Republican bidder.
D) is urging Warren Beatty to make an epic film about the Russian Revolution.

Lou Gehrig:
A) just maimed 50,000 onlookers with a hard one-hopper.
B) is prepared for an attack from the Norse giantess Thokk.
C) is vulnerable to high heat and low planes.
D) has warning track power, the track being in a ballpark five miles yon.

Pat Corrales:
A) is being scolded by Sister Maria for putting gum in the collection plate.
B) is being reprimanded by Father McGinnity for talking during Mass.
C) is being admonished by his mother for failing to make his bed.
D) is trying to see his own impressive hairline.

Tuffy Gosewisch:
A) is about to be penalized for targeting.
B) is offering each batter a free ball with every strikeout.
C) is explaining exactly how he got his name.
D) is in last place, with his partner, in the Viennese Waltz Preliminaries.

Steve Kemp:
A) is saying, “Seriously? His name is Wockenfuss?”
B) is saying, “Seriously? Staub’s not a natural redhead?”
C) is saying, “Seriously? Fidrych is talking to golf balls?”
D) is saying, “Seriously? Trammell thinks Alice is better than Rhoda?”

Zoilo Versalles:
A) is mulling the plot twists of this morning’s General Hospital.
B) can’t decide if he’s angry about the cap theft or just disappointed.
C) is trying to remember if he really did win the AL MVP in 1965.
D) is asking, “Why am I on a Padres card if I never played for the Padres?”

Sam Mele:
A) is complaining about high gas prices and the cost of a burger these days.
B) is grousing about that awful music and the “no-goodniks” who play it.
C) is grumbling about today’s kids and their habit of encroaching on lawns.
D) is practicing his pronunciation of “Zoilo.”

Dave Cash:
A) is wondering what’s on the back of Tim Flannery’s pants.
B) is watching Rollie Fingers wax his chest hair.
C) is wondering if Randy Jones is serious about that hairdo.
D) is suspicious, that’s all.

Carl Yastrzemski:
A) is being arrested for “having a hard-to-spell name,” a Class C misdemeanor.
B) has surrendered after attempting, in turn, to spell “Monbouquette.”
C) is persuading Rico Petrocelli to join him in something called “the wave.”
D) is praising Julie Andrews for her performance in The Sound of Music.

Miguel Gonzalez:
A) finds it amusing that 2013 is the International Year of Quinoa.
B) is still laughing at last night’s Whose Line Is It Anyway?
C) just loves J.J. Hardy’s imitation of Nate McLouth.
D) other.