The Screwball: Comedy Is in the (Baseball) Cards

Dave Chalk is outta here when he turns 18.

Dave Chalk is outta here when he turns 18.

A new kind of quiz, for the discerning baseball fan:

Author’s note: Here, unlike in Fun With Old Photos, the author does not supply the verb, i.e., the “is” or the “are.” Why? Well, it are — sorry, is — easier that way.

A Bip

Bip Roberts:
A) is equally thrilled about tomorrow’s Tam O’ Shanter Day.
B) thinks Spring Break in Cabo would be more fun without all this baseball.
C) took the curandera’s advice about avoiding the golden sombrero.
D) is not, as promised, receiving Showtime on his new satellite dish.

A Fernando 3

Fernando Valenzuela:
A) is often accused of losing focus.
B) enjoys pitching for habitués of the local opium den.
C) was told to register his performance in triplicate.
D) is once, twice, three tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimes a lefty.

A Shelby

John Shelby:
A) is enjoying his first day in the ninth grade.
B) can tune into AM radio, but only if he smiles in a certain direction.
C) once maimed 368 people at the State Fair kissing booth.
D) is bracing for a demotion.

A Jeffcoat

Mike Jeffcoat:
A) is wary of designated hitter Lawrence Taylor.
B) once quick-kicked on a 3-2 count.
C) is really more of an option pitcher.
D) is looking forward to the bye week.

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Steve Trout:
A) has a pair of Blaupunkt speakers he’d like to sell you.
B) continues to insist it’s not a perm.
C) once followed Bachman Turner Overdrive for an entire summer.
D) drives a Good Times Van, for sure.

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A Hardball Times Update
Goodbye for now.

Mike Armstrong:
A) enjoys the disguises essential to spycraft.
B) enjoys the vast spectrum of human emotion.
C) enjoys fooling the hitter with “different looks.”
D) enjoys gazing pensively through portholes.

A Johnstone Umbrella

Jay Johnstone:
A) is blocking messages from Kangos, Ruler of the Galaxy.
B) enjoys watching The Anheuser-Busch Weather Channel.
C) is wearing rain boots made entirely of 12-ounce Bud Light cans.
D) once flew 148 feet during a spring training windstorm.

A Harper

Brian Harper:
A) wants in on that hot Blockbuster stock.
B) is calling the Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman Fan Club.
C) is on hold with the Super Mario tipline.
D) would like a word with a young Dayn Perry.

A Abreu

Bobby Abreu:
A) is making a cameo appearance, somehow, on Gunsmoke.
B) hits better in UHF.
C) wants fans to “Turn up the volume!”
D) is expecting a good reception.

A Westrum

Wes Westrum:
A) is a defending his title in the Tri-State Area Yodel-Off.
B) gets annoyed when Ron Swoboda doesn’t call back, “Polo!”
C) is shouting, “When I say, ‘New York’ you say, ‘Mets.’ New York!…”
D) is encouraging his team to outscore the other team.

A Bryant

Don Bryant:
A) knows that while his card says Pilots, his cap says nothing.
B) also removed identifying marks from his underwear.
C) is history’s first black-hat hacker.
D) caught a squid with his cap, apparently.

A Alou

Matty Alou:
A) is pleased with the halo in this late Byzantine baseball card.
B) hopes the light of divine grace suffuses his slugging percentage.
C) is confident the Council of Trent didn’t forbid this iconography.
D) knows that even if it did, Pope Paul III is still a Cardinals fan.

A McCool

Billy McCool:
A) is smuggling Cuban cigars through Customs.
B) is embarrassed by the parasitic twin in his scalp.
C) is an early proponent of the protective cap.
D) is, with regard to cap positioning, often called McClueless.

A Campy

Bert Campaneris:
A) is saying, “Si, mi gorra también esta ‘airbrushed.’”
B) also owns an airbrushed ’76 Econovan.
C) also plans to win an airbrushed Van Halen T-shirt at the Texas State Fair.
D) is now considering a 10th position, that of Hostess photographer.

A Bosman

Dick Bosman:
A) is baseball’s leading falconer.
B) is waiting patiently for teammates to hang their wet laundry.
C) is wearing beneath his jersey a repurposed yard bag.
D) is modeling for a sportsmanship trophy, for sure.

A McRae

Hal McRae:
A) is asking if he has spinach in his teeth.
B) is doing mouth calisthenics just prior to a corn on the cob-eating contest.
C) is responding instinctively to teammate Cookie Rojas.
D) is proud of his prototype Invisalign braces.

A Blue

Vida Blue:
A) is also proud of his prototype Invisalign braces, but maybe not as proud.
B) is happy whenever he throws a good “four-seam invisi-ball.”
C) would like two bags of peanuts and/or peace for our time.
D) says, “V is for Vida, verily.”

A Sanguillen

Manny Sanguillen:
A) is sketching an abstract-expressionist portrait of teammate Dock Ellis.
B) is writing to ABC regarding the cancellation of The Lawrence Welk Show.
C) enjoys drawing 3D cubes in his spare time.
D) wants to write, “It was a dark and stormy night…” before he forgets it.

A Fingers

Rollie Fingers:
A) is attempting to grow a handlebar mustache on his backside.
B) is wondering what that noise is, and realizes it’s a baseball game.
C) has a card titled “Rollie Fingers inaction” that shows him napping.
D) is trying, but failing, to imitate Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

A Piazza Weight

Mike Piazza:
A) will beat you with a 10-pound weight if you accuse him of steroid use.
B) is testing a prototype of the Shake Weight.
C) will try jazzercise next, and then water aerobics.
D) is trying, but failing, to distract you from his mullet.

J Castro

Juan Castro:
A) is showing off his new Nike Rocket Launchers.
B) is concerned people can see the wires.
C) always knew he’d rise quickly through the organization.
D) cannot hold this pose much longer.

A Yorvit

Yorvit Torrealba:
A) is chewing Wrigley’s new Nitrous Oxide Gum.
B) is reacting to the opposing pitcher’s strike-three swing.
C) also thinks “Yorvit” is a funny name.
D) just heard you say you could’ve been a big-leaguer if not for that injury.

A Youk

Kevin Youkilis:
A) has never enjoyed playing in the GM Wind Tunnel.
B) is leading a cheer by shouting, “Gimme a backslash!”
C) is winning the Running Man Contest by performing it in midair.
D) is in what he calls “diagony.”

A Casey:Polanco

Sean Casey and Placido Polanco:
A) have one batting title between them.
B) are attempting to capture Albert Pujols after he escaped from his pen.
C) are pretty sure they’re the best players in this picture.
D) are feeling run down.

K Brown

Kevin Brown:
A) has discovered slow-dancing is harder than it looks.
B) is trying to explain why he got home so late last night.
C) desperately wants to compare belt buckles.
D) is tied, with catcher Paul Lo Duca, in Round 1 of the staring contest.

A McCann

Brian McCann:
A) is amazed at the size of the mother ship.
B) is having Visine applied via Boeing E-3 Sentry.
C) is just now realizing that Chris Young, the pitcher, is a lot taller in person.
D) needs to visit the chiropractor.

A Van Poppel

Todd Van Poppel:
A) is in last place in the one-man desert luge.
B) is trying to keep the ball down.
C) said he would sit for a portrait, and meant it.
D) doesn’t know how to wear a rubber.

A Pudge

Ivan Rodriguez:
A) is enjoying his Lamaze class.
B) is trying to please his hard-nosed yoga instructor.
C) is terrible at hide and seek.
D) doesn’t quite understand the statute governing squatters rights.

A Cordova

Marty Cordova:
A) is taking batting practice against Blue Moon Odom.
B) is hoping for a trade to the Astros.
C) is simultaneously safe at first, second and third.
D) is in the twilight of his career, actually.

A Furcal

Rafael Furcal:
A) is thinking, “More like Rafael Furtical, am I right?”
B) is sitting in seat 2B of Wonder Woman’s Invisible Plane.
C) is starring in Around the Horn in 80 Days.
D) is field-testing the new Nike Airs.

A Chavez

Eric Chavez:
A) is enjoying baseball’s finest mosh pit.
B) is executing his blocking assignment on Mark Ellis’ read option.
C) is terrible at administering the cup check.
D) has just never liked Ian Kinsler.

A Vizquel

Omar Vizquel:
A) just received a pair of ornate parking tickets.
B) suddenly understands the “sports” in “sports car.”
C) hasn’t heard that In Living Color was canceled.
D) catches a lot of flies.

A Ruggiano

Justin Ruggiano:
A) is undergoing treatment for neck pain and partial hot-headedness.
B) is introducing the potent Ruggiano On The Rocks.
C) is having his platinum pigtails sucked into a large vacuum cleaner.
D) is, like everyone else, getting tired of this trend.

A Inge

Brandon Inge:
A) has never understood the hit-and-run.
B) takes offense at being called a slap-hitter.
C) charged $5,000 for a front-row seat.
D) is reenacting, with some confusion, the closing scene from Rocky III.

A Frieri

Ernesto Frieri:
A) has a medical condition called “weird chest.”
B) is trying, but failing, to prove he’s not made of rubber.
C) needs a jog bra.
D) enjoys wearing jaw jewelry, or, as he calls it, “jawelry.”

A Reggie

Reggie Jackson:
A) is inspecting his bat for mold spores.
B) is practicing pick-up lines on his Louisville Slugger.
C) is admonishing his bat for its failure to deliver a hit.
D) is actually wearing jerseyglasses.

A Sutton

Don Sutton:
A) is field-testing a new weed killer called Knweed-B-Gone!
B) thinks his new windup is kind of amusing.
C) is not yet aware that the Earth has dramatically tilted.
D) is giving the international symbol for “my arms are crossed.”

A Guerrero 3D

Pedro Guerrero:
A) is caught between the physical planes of existence.
B) wants you to regard, a la the Cubists, multiple views of the same subject.
C) is about to call for the fourth dimension, time.
D) definitely has pop, but is lacking snap and crackle.

A Chalk

Dave Chalk:
A) ain’t gonna do his homework, and you can’t make him.
B) says you can take out your own garbage.
C) can’t wait till he turns 18 because he is “so outta here.”
D) is wearing a dead chinchilla on his head.

A Finley

Chuck Finley:
A) is playing a few licks from Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again.
B) claims to have “A sharp” curveball.
C) is opening for The Outfield.
D) other.


John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.
34 Comments
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Dennis Bedard
8 years ago

Steve Trout: Getting ready to accept an award from Guinness Book of World Records for keeping a live tarantula in his hair without getting bitten.
Vida Blue. He is saying to himself: “Damn, if only I had been born twenty years later, I could have changed my name to Viagra Blue and this V sign would be my calling card. I would have made millions!!!!”

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Dennis Bedard

If I were guessing, I’d say Viagra Blue is the name of either A) a combination dandruff shampoo/ED drug or B) a celebrity couple’s newborn child.

Joe Stephen
8 years ago

For the record, I had nothing to do with any of the musical selections herein.

Scott Ferkovich
8 years ago

Dave Chalk: Is still upset that “Cheer Up Sleepy Jean” didn’t win a Grammy.

John Paschal
8 years ago

The good news is that I busted out laughing at this punchline. The bad news is that I can’t get that song out of my head.

Marcia Brady's muse
8 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

Girl, look what you’ve done to me………

tz
8 years ago

I managed to successfully muffle my laughter until I got to Chuck Finley choice A ….

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  tz

Tawny Kitaen is, and has always been, the gift that keeps on giving.

Stinky Pete
8 years ago
Reply to  John Paschal

A) Is attempting to impress his wife by is playing a few licks from Whitesnake’s Here I Go Again.

FTFY

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  AC

I can say this: Roger McDowell will un-sweep that leg, William Zabka!

hopbitters
8 years ago

You can’t see it from that angle, but Chuck’s actually propped up by a stiletto heel stuck in his back.

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  hopbitters

If I had a third thumb, I’d give you three thumbs up.

Dennis Bedard
8 years ago

I mentioned the “Viagra Blue” line because if I recall correctly, Charlie Finley offered Vida Blue a substantial amount of money after the ’71 season to change his name to True Blue but it never happened.

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Dennis Bedard

True Blue? World B. Free approves.

Willie Stargell III
8 years ago

Reggie Jackson: You no help me now. I say “F*** you Jobu”, I do it myself.

John Paschal
8 years ago

Indeed.

Rally
8 years ago

I didn’t realize Dave Chalk was related to Luke Wilson.

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Rally

When you think about it, aren’t we all related to Luke Wilson?

Dennis Bedard
8 years ago

Dave Chalk: “Damn Damn Damn. They are sending me back to AAA. Sitting in a bus all night from Newark NJ to Rochester and getting by on $20 per diem. Could things get any worse?”

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Dennis Bedard

Yes, things could get worse. He could be humming “cheer up, sleepy Jean” — a.k.a., “Daydream Believer” — all the way to Rochester.

Kevin
8 years ago

Nitrous oxide gum! Just think of the possibilities!

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Kevin

One possibility: Think Kurt Bevacqua’s bubble. A good time would be had by all.

Squidblob
8 years ago

Awesome article- this had me cracking up in my cubicle

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Squidblob

Much obliged, Squidblob. Glad you enjoyed it. Cubicles were made to be cracked up in.

Dennis Bedard
8 years ago

It is Friday afternoon and I just don’t feel like working. So here goes:
Don Sutton: He is in the middle of the Dodgers’ drill on how to properly enter a Catholic church.

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Dennis Bedard

Righteous!

Steve
8 years ago

Not one mention of Banknotes Harper? Founder and CEO of Banknotes Industries?

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  Steve

Well, since Mr. Harper keeps paying me in “Banknotes Bucks” instead of actual American currency for my work at the aforementioned comedy humor site, I’m just a tad bitter about that guy.

bob
8 years ago

needs more oscar azocar hugging his bat

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  bob

Bob, you will be happy to hear that Mr. Azocar is batting lead-off in the next installment of Comedy Is In The (Baseball) Cards.

SalukiHawk
8 years ago

Mike Armstrong looks like Napoleon Dynamite’s brother.

John Paschal
8 years ago
Reply to  SalukiHawk

Indeed.

Question: Whatever happened to that guy?