The Serpentor of Baseball

Sometimes I worry that I rely a bit too much on cheap pop culture references for laughs, but then I always find someone who does it more than me. Like this guy, who goes farther than I thought he would in using a G.I. Joe/Serpentor analogy to write a column about television executives. Not that it was a bad read. In fact, I loved that he used baseball to illustrate his “Serpentor of [insert profession here]” model:

Serpentor’s DNA was taken from historical figures like Alexander the Great and Ghengis Khan, each selected to give him a particular skill that Dr. Mindbender thought important for the leader of a Cobra to have. Thus, the way you play the Serpentor game is simple: you build the perfect person by selecting one trait from famous people in that profession.

If you wanted to create the ultimate baseball player, for instance, you’d combine the morality of Jackie Robinson, the athleticism of Willie Mays, the charisma of Babe Ruth, the longevity of Cal Ripken Jr., and the capacity to handle steroids of Barry Bonds. Mix that all up, have Dr. Mindbender do some of his shirtless magic, and boom, you have the ultimate player.

You get the idea.

Now I know. And knowing is half the battle.

Not that I’d use his exact examples. I think I’d go with the batting eye of Williams, the swing of Will Clark, the power of Ruth, the speed of Willie Wilson, the glove of Ozzie Smith, the arm of Dave Parker, the brains of Greg Maddux, the likability of Sean Casey, and the looks of Sal Fasano. He’d also possess the knuckleball of Niekro, and would make 35-40 starts a year. Oh, and he’d be player-manager with some genetic soup from each of the following: McGraw, Durocher, Stengel, Weaver, Martin, Anderson, Johnson, and Cox. And he’d play in Tiger Stadium, which was restored to its historical grandeur after I sent the Baroness and Destro on a secret time travel mission for that very purpose.

Wait. Just Destro. The Baroness stays with me.