Angels/Giants 22, Tigers/Braves 0: So, I’m a Braves fan and my girlfriend is a Tigers fan and each of our teams got the crap beat out of them last night. So we agreed that baseball sucks and decided to watch downloaded “Parks and Recreation” episodes instead. Good call, yes? I mean, Mike Trout and Buster Posey are good, but they’re not as good as Aubrey Plaza representing the moon in a model U.N.
Reds 4, Diamondbacks 0: We don’t know any Diamondbacks fans or else we would have let them watch TV with us too. I mean, if your team got shut out last night, you probably should have been watching different TV instead.
Rays 4, Indians 2: Matt Moore labored — he threw 90 pitches and walked five dudes in five innings, but the bullpen bailed him out and the Indians failed to capitalize.
Nationals 5, Mets 4: The Mets bullpen can do it all. If you need them to blow leads in the ninth inning: they got you covered. Tenth? Hey, they can do that for you too. They can give up RBI singles and triples. They can throw wild pitches with the bases loaded. Really, there’s no job too small for the New York relief corps
White Sox 7, Red Sox 5: Three run home run for Kevin Youkilis in Fenway. Drops mic, walks off stage.
Yankees 6, Blue Jays 1: CC Sabathia returns and pitches six shutout innings. So, all that happened with the big man gone was that the Yankees built the biggest lead in all of baseball and they got their ace rested some for late in the season.
Brewers 3, Cardinals 2: The stars were dropping like flies. Lance Berkman was ejected, Ryan Braun and Matt Holliday left due to injures. K-Rod, taking over for John Axford, got the shaky save.
Marlins 9, Cubs 5: The Ozzie returns to Chicago. This was fun: Cubs fans booed him during a pitching change in the eighth inning. So Guillen pointed toward his ring finger, telling the Wrigley faithful that unlike the Cubbies, he has a World Series ring. God, I love Ozzie sometimes. Carlos Lee had a grand slam in a five-run fifth inning for the Fish.
Mariners 9, Royals 6: Ryan Verdugo didn’t scare anyone. He was lit up for six runs on eight hits in an inning and two-thirds in his major league debut. I mean, Vin Mazzaro came in and mopped up for the guy. And he’s sort of like a harbinger of death.
Phillies 3, Dodgers 2: Halladay returns. He only went five innings and didn’t figure in the decision, but he struck out six. It took five relievers to go the final four innings, but dadgummit, they held on.
Padres 8, Astros 2: Yonder Alonso had a homer and drove in three. Alexi Amarista and Cameron Maybin each had three hits. The Padres have been scoring a lot of runs lately. Weird.
Rangers 6, Athletics 1: Roy Oswalt vs. Bartolo Colon. Nice match-up if it were, say, 2005. But Oswalt did look like his old self, allowing one run in six and a third innings in the win.
Twins 6, Orioles 4: Three hits and an RBI for Joe Mauer, as the Twins knock off the fading Orioles. Zach Britton walked six guys. The Orioles got lucky with starting pitching in the early part of the season. Now it’s freefall city.
Pirates 6, Rockies 2: Andrew McCutchen homered. The Pirates notch their 50th win. I still don’t buy them as winning the Central, but I think they can do better than 31-41 the rest of the way and get that sub-.500 monkey off their back.