The Cardinals and Reds have given their best efforts over the last two nights to ensure everyone understands the NL Central division is no longer a men’s rec softball league. They wanted to establish themselves as a fight club instead. So, they are now giving tips on how to fight like a man.
1. Trash talk.
Rant about how much you hate the guys on other team. They need to know you would beat them playing on only one leg. Call them names. Then follow up your trash talk by going 0-for-5. Make sure the ball doesn’t even leave the infield.
2. Pick on the guy from your own team who is having one of the worst years of his career.
Make sure the television cameras catch you dragging him down into the dugout tunnel. Berate and humiliate him in front of the cameras because there’s really no other way to address something that’s bothering you. Also, threaten him by informing him that if he blinks, speaks or moves you will show him all your tattoos.
3. Let issues carry over to the next day.
During the first inning of the game make sure the ballplayer who started everything in the first place gives a “friendly” tap on the shin guards of the opposing team’s catcher. This will help everyone remember all the trash talk you said the day before.
4. Start one of the biggest bench-clearing brawls of the year.
Have every player, manager, coach and interpreter on the field. One of the starting pitchers should start kicking and using his metal spikes to really hurt someone. It should be mentioned at this point it will get confusing as to who is on your side. This can be especially challenging for a team like the Cardinals. When the opposing team signs any ex-Cardinal alive and you end up in an angry scrum you might not remember who you should be yelling at.
5. Crawl out of the scrum on your hands and knees.
If you start off in the scrum protecting one of your best pitchers from getting hurt and somehow you happen to end up on the bottom of the pile, crawl out quickly on your hands and knees. You started out real cool, so don’t worry about what it will look like when you emerge from the pile through another teammate’s legs. Just get the hell out of there, and when you do, grab your hat and pretend no one saw you crawling around.