Welcome to the results show for the “story” episode on “Dancing with the Playoff Stats.” Before we begin, I should introduce you to our new host—Craig Sager. Yes, he will occasionally be adding some colorful commentary for us. He will also bring you our Live Ugly Suits Probability.
Now that we have that squared away…
Before we give you the results, if you thought dancing and baseball could never be combined, you’re about to be proved wrong. I’m going to pair some of our contestants to a quote from one of the original, real judges on “Dancing With The Stars.”
Roy Halladay “We love story night, because you get a little of the story at the top of the dance, and then we love it when you can continue it through the whole dance—which is not an easy thing to do. The fox trot is a dance the likes of which we will never see again.”
CC Sabathia “You were a little rough in the beginning, but you settled down and pulled it together. You had a big mess up in the middle, but you ended well.”
Buster Posey “You were so charming, connected, and displayed such chemistry… Your musicality was lacking (when you slid into second base and landed on top of the bag) but your charm is perfect.”
—Carrie Ann Inada
Tim Lincecum “You were hot and on fire!”
And now, for the results. Here are the judges’ votes… drum roll, please.
David Price You were one of the contestants we were really looking forward to seeing. It was kind of a disaster out there. I hope the voters give you another chance to redeem yourself. But I can’t blame them if they don’t.
Roy Halladay: Great job young man. I think you have a real shot at winning this whole thing! All of the other contestants are looking up at you right now.
Tim Lincecum: I didn’t think anyone would match Roy, but you almost did. Looks like we have a competition here!
Brandon Phillips: You were kind of a stretch being on this list in the first place, and I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.
Carlos Ruiz: Like Brandon, it was a stretch to bring you here, but you did a fine job in the pairs competition with Roy, making him look great. That buys you some time.
Jim Thome: You know how it is on these shows, the old guys always get voted off first. I had high hopes for you to buck that trend, but it just hasn’t been your week. Thanks for the memories.
Joe Mauer: The Franchise is only 2-for-9 with three Ks, giving him a -0.07 WPA in what could be a short-lived playoff run. And what serious dancer with the stats would allow a stolen base to A-Rod (who had a 57 [percent success rate this year)?
Carl Crawford: After going 1-for-8 in first two games, the Rays’ No. 3 hitter has a -0.03 WPA. He missed a chance at boosting his stat-dancing bona fides as Carlos Beltran did in his contract-year performance on the boards.
Catchers are boring, and Mauer’s overrated, Ichiro-like fantasy tools bother me at the very core of my being. I am plain tired of people talking about Mauer and Justin Morneau! Chooch is just a Pudge-wanna-be gone wild. Goodbye Joe Mauer and Carlos Ruiz.
Jim Thome: You saved the entire game of baseball by hitting a fly ball to make the fourth out in the ninth inning. Imagine the uproar had you actually gotten a hit. The commissioner should thank you personally. You are safe from my wrath this week.
Brandon Phillips: Joe’s right, you were a stretch in the first place, but I needed fodder. When the ball hit your bat in the first game, you didn’t even pretend to get hit by the pitch like some players have done this year. Furthermore, I put you in the contestants just to see what you would say during the playoffs and you let your teammate Orlando Cabrera steal the show:
“He and the umpire threw a no-hitter. Another umpire and another zone, he wouldn’t have been able to throw a game like that. Basically, he was getting every pitch. We had no chance.”
I began to have some compassion for you. In the two pitching dominant games in the National League it seemed unfair to vote any position player off yet. After all, Joey Votto said of Roy Halladay: “When you’re trying to thread a needle at the plate, it’s miserable. You’re swinging at nothing. Every time he makes a mistake, it’s in a safe zone: Down, away. He doesn’t miss in the middle of the plate.” But, you’ve disappointed me on all accounts. Goodbye Brandon Phillips.
Joe Mauer, I have to agree with Jeff here. Your .222 OBP and .222 SLG hasn’t provided enough Jive or musicality to keep me from voting you off this week.
Like Joe, I’m seriously considering bringing back Andy Pettitte and Mariano Rivera. With Rivera, the whole dynamic of the game changes. Once he’s on the mound, the chance of a Twins comeback is no waltz.