Team-by-team needs at the MLB trade deadline

Jon Methven sent us this deeply analytical review of each team’s trade deadline needs. We thought you might enjoy it.

Boston Red Sox: Starting pitching; right-handed bat.

Atlanta Braves: Pitching; utility infielder.

Washington Nationals: Corner outfielder; backup catcher; utility infielder who can snap people in the buttocks with towels, play grab ass, liven up the clubhouse with off-color remarks.

San Francisco Giants: Catcher; first baseman similar in stature to Danny DeVito, too short to field that position but who proves us all wrong with his perseverance and hustle, not to mention his charm, and who teaches us something about ourselves, something we’re not necessarily proud of.

Baltimore Orioles: Future prospects; unload several fun-loving, buttocks-snapping free agents as things have just gotten weird around here.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Top-notch starting pitching; mediocre starting pitching with short tempers to keep the top-notch starting pitchers in check when they get too full of themselves.

Texas Rangers: Clubhouse buttocks snapper; grab-asser; emotional friend.

Kansas City Royals: … To live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if we could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when we came to die, discover that we had not lived; some type of freaking explanation of the infield fly rule that makes sense.

Florida Marlins: Pitcher with a Rollie Fingers mustache; free pizza, strippers after wins.

Oakland Athletics: No needs; team goal for the second half: 14-15 wins, see more of the cities while on the road, just enjoy each other’s company.

New York Mets: Second baseman; pitching; hired death of the gentleman in the Rusty Wallace shirt with season tickets behind the dugout, where for all nine innings he shouts: “Meet the Mets, meet the Mets, Step right up and greet the Mets!”

Seattle Mariners: Eighth-inning set-up man; a good book; a nice glass of wine.

New York Yankees: Third baseman who knows show tunes and isn’t too goddamned proud to sing with his teammates on plane rides.

Milwaukee Brewers: Left fielder; shortstop who understands why Pynchon is a better writer than Grisham, and can explain it during rain delays.

Philadelphia Phillies: Buttocks snapper who knows when to play grab ass, when to get serious, when to walk away, when to run; relief pitching.

Pittsburgh Pirates: 10-run mercy rules; weekends off.

St. Louis Cardinals: For Pujols to stop defecating wherever the hell he feels like it – we get it, he’s a great player; even Mickey Mantle was housetrained.

Cleveland Indians: Relief pitching; just someone to listen.

Houston Astros: Starting pitching; take us for some ice cream every once in awhile, maybe a waterslide park, just spend time with us.

Los Angeles Angels: Lose 10, maybe 12 pounds as an organization; relief pitching.

Chicago Cubs: Second baseman with drinking/emotional problems who will take our minds off our own vices, throw things during interventions; pinch-runner.

Cincinnati Reds: Lower ERAs; make the playoffs; fresh batch of mistresses.

Arizona Diamondbacks: First baseman; backup catcher; third base coach who shamelessly loves the music of Sarah McLachlan. Because we do.

Colorado Rockies : Solid 3-hole hitter; relief pitching; someone to make racist jokes about the Mexicans and Asians. Heck with it – in 10 years they’ll own this game, we should get in some shots while we can.

Toronto Blue Jays: Roy Hobbs, Nuke LaLoosh, Rick Vaughn: Just some sort of storyline on which we can hang our season, something other than going out and mindlessly playing 162 games whilst making millions and sleeping with our fan base; cut payroll.

Tampa Bay Rays: Middle relief; Disney World is a couple miles away. Say we win the World Series. What are we supposed to say into the camera – we’re going down the street? Try Tijuana on for size, Middle America .

San Diego Padres: Centerfielder groomed in the arts of tickle fighting, who doesn’t find grown men engaging in clubhouse tickle wars peculiar.

Chicago White Sox: Starting pitching; a petting zoo near the dugout to unwind between innings; mixed martial arts experts, disguised as fans of whichever park we’re visiting, to beat the snot out of would-be hecklers prior to heckles.

Detroit Tigers: Starting pitcher; props, costumes and scripts to stage Shakespeare in the Bullpen for those of us tired of watching nine innings of this crap every night; future prospects.

Minnesota Twins: Minnesota babes.