Top 10 things George Mitchell has learned during his investigation of steroids in baseball:
10. He never found any Irish players at Baseball Reference named Stan O Zolol.
9. George W. Bush’s tip on investigating Iraq was total a waste of time. Turns out they weren’t suspected of mass-producing chemical balms.
8. Tell-tale signs of steroid use (hair loss, shrunken genitalia, irrational outbursts) can be observed in 70% of the members of Congress.
7. Detroit Tiger INF Neifi Perez is not a suspect.
6. Overheard Baltimore Oriole RHP Kris Benson saying something suspicious. Words used included: “Anna” “ball” “lick.” Will include in report to the Commissioner a recommendation to investigate baseball doctoring among AL pitchers.
5. Pete Rose will confess to almost anything nowadays.
4. Milwaukee Brewer 1B Prince Fielder admitted to taking Krispy Kreme regularly since 2000.
3. Gene Orza went on the record as saying “Neener Neener Neener.“
2. A Google Search for “Bronson Pinchot” and “BALCO” yielded 119 results–none of which were at all useful.
1. After a consultation with members of the Florida Marlins front office it was strongly suggested that Marlins’ players not use Human Growth Hormone but it might not be a bad idea for David Samson to try it. They also requested funds to build a new stadium.